NPC Database

If you're like me, you enjoy coming up with the connective tissue of a story when you're GMing. How do the players get from point A to point B? What challenges arise? What are the details that give these movement life? How does the story represent itself even in the background? I love this part of GMing. It's improvisation mixed with writing, and it's probably what your players find the most compelling. After all, it's these details which are more or less unique to role-playing games. But you can't focus on these kinds of details if you're worried about more small-scale aspects of the game. For me, coming up with NPCs to drop into the world can be fun, but it takes a lot of mental energy I would rather spend on story stuff. So I created a series of lists of NPCs with enough information to be complex and three-dimensional at a glance. I thought I'd share it, as it will be highly useful to GMs who want to focus their creative efforts in other places. 

A few notes before the lists: I have fairly specific naming conventions for each race in the standard D&D collection, and you'll notice that I stick with them. If these don't fit your world, of course tweak them to make them fit. But I think most D&D settings can use what I have here. Also, I include the vital information on a character (name, age, race, alignment) as well as personality traits--I use these so that each NPC isn't just a different skin on the same plot-progressing machine. But these are as much jumping-off points as complete characters, so use these however is useful. If they help even a few GMs, I'll be very happy. 

Finally, I recommend using dice to select NPCs to drop into situations. You can roll a d8 to select the race of a character (the seven races in the 3.5 Player's Handbook is what I've gone by, with humans accounting for two rolls since I have two distinct bloodlines of humans in my homebrew setting), then a d100 to select an individual name (33 names on each list, so you can convert a roll higher than 33 by subtracting 33 or 66 from your roll to get a usable number--if you get a 100, I suggest using an established NPC). That's a total of 264 characters to work with! Some of the characters I've used from these lists have become major parts of campaigns, and others have been one-time appearances never referred to again. That's fine by me--I just want to have a character to work with without having to come up with them on the spot. So good luck with the lists and your campaigns!

Humans

1. Zed Clanton, 65, NE, selfish, aggressive, curious
2. Susan Plainview, 18, NG, bold, idealistic, haughty
3. Gabriel Herndon, 24, LE, controlling, gregarious, disapproving
4. Nancy Painter, 36, LN, patient, ambitious, jokester
5. Clarence Porter, 51, NG, reflective, blunt, unsentimental
6. Anne Lecky, 40, CG, practical, neat, determined
7. Peter Overstreet, 37, N, serious, aloof, inattentive
8. Claire Matthews, 43, NE, studious, intellectual, dismissive
9. Lorne Nelson, 19, CG, creative, abstract, bizarre
10. Catherine Howard, 20, CN, imperturbable, bright, kindly
11. Preston Turner, 43, LE, stable, arrogant, determined
12. Eva Wyatt, 15, N, protective, spiteful, hypocritical
13. Aaron Brown, 45, LE, personable, trusting, temperamental 
14. Bertha Cooper, 54, LE, private, industrious, slow
15. Carmine Dixon, 25, CN, stoic, laid-back, devious
16. Della Eckman, 31, LN, thoughtful, conventional, opportunistic
17. Ezekiel Ford, 49, CG, innovative, devout, giving
18. Frances Gant, 26, NG, perfectionist, extroverted, idealistic
19. Gil Huston, 23, LG, innocent, unfortunate, carefree
20. Hetty Innsbrook, 61, LE, violent, driven, calculating
21. Ira Jeffers, 47, NG, industrious, passionate, serious
22. Jen Kimmel, 39, NG, adventurous, insistent, dependable
23. Klaus Laird, 32, NE, unyielding, headstrong, dishonest
24. Linda Morgan, 45, N, organized, playful, dramatic
25. Marcus Nast, 24, NE, shifty, leader, impatient
26. Norma Opal, 37, CE, vengeful, irritable, talkative
27. Owen Prince, 51, LE, resourceful, creative, noble
28. Posie Quarterlane, 36, CG, intense, intuitive, friendly
29. Quint Randolph, 12, LN, pointed, curious, outspoken
30. Rhonda Skinner, 53, CG, leader, sensitive, warm
31. Sid Travers, 33, CN, imaginative, bleak, childish
32. Trish Updike, 20, CE, pushy, energetic, reactive
33. Ulric Vance, 43, LG, artistic, spiritual, private
34. Violet Ware, 11, N, logical, reserved, polite
35. Yancy Zorn, 28, LG, systematic, resilient, diligent
36. Zora Archer, 59, LN, performative, jealous, philosophical
37. Melvin Yamhill, 51, LG, brilliant, guarded, uncertain
38. Liddy Brenner, 14, CN, sincere, guilty, outraged
39. James Sheffield, 16, CE, perfectionist, greedy, addictive
40. Blessing Briscoe, 17, CG, knowledgeable, rebellious, affectionate
41. Heidi Trane, 29, CE, forceful, dismissive, sarcastic
42. Gunther Lawrence, 32, NG, introverted, self-conscious, contemplative
43. Wanda Ewing, 21 NG, faithful, mature, rowdy
44. Riley Malone, 9, CN, risk-taker, insecure, charming
45. Emmitt White, 40, LN, frenzied, weird, shy
46. Ophelia Purdue, 31, LE, secretive, listener, timid
47. Marvin Toome, 37, LN, cooperative, observant, respectful
48. Harriet Redman, 50, CN, sneaky, argumentative, worried
49. William Fortune, 27, N, foolish, friendly, mysterious
50. Helen Briggs, 45, CG, industrious, guarded, helpful
51. Jason Kline, 60, NG, soft-spoken, humorless, secretive
52. Kyra Winnow, 23, LE, snobbish, ignorant, bewildered
53. Vanessa Wharton, 54, N, suspicious, careful, dreary
54. Chester Harkin, 41, LN, devout, faithful, supportive
55. Howard Hyde, 47, LN, attentive, decisive, quiet
56. Abigail Turnbuckle, 43, NE, critical, cowardly, nervous
57. Donald Connors, 88, LG, serene, empathetic, mindful of simplicity
58. Candace "Caddy" Williams, 35, CN, somber, gentle, restless
59. Earl Sumner, 46, CE, possessive, irritable, resistant
60. Catherine Haskill, 39, CN, adaptable, aloof, brave
61. Niles Nelson, 20, CN, entrepreneurial, argumentative, underhanded
62. Elliott Swiftblade, 30, NG, adventurous, brave, confident
63. Hera Dixon, 38, CE, immature, noisy, sensitive
64. Lancaster Beale, 76, LG, helpful, curious, reserved
65. Shyla Compson, 26, NG, spontaneous, impertinent, ambitious
66. Geraldine Hoffman, 33, N, rebellious, intuitive, loyal

Elves

1. Davil Prenille, 265, LG, world-weary, skeptical, giving
2. Valerica Achilleos, 954, LG, resourceful, principled, dorky
3. Hakari Huri, 564, CN, spunky, uninhibited, accepting
4. Corbell Sispen, 137, NG, grounded, outspoken, idealistic
5. Quarsa Fielt, 145, LN, considerate, competitive, indulgent
6. Toniel Gla'asa, 526, N, brilliant, calm, quiet
7. Megalla Quintar, 891, CG, protective, faithful, patient
8. Achiel Miltari, 194, CN, irreverent, innovative, expressive
9. Barim Nustar, 438, CG, realistic, resourceful, joker
10. Coriel Ossitar, 271, NG, capable, easy-going, persistent
11. Dinoska Pillas, 1007, CE, vengeful, irritable, sly
12. Echira Quanisa, 177, CG, practical, neat, determined
13. Forihim Ruskinil, 999, NG, friendly, dramatic, adventurous
14. Gemila Sappol, 671, LG, bold, self-involved, eager
15. Higella Ternala, 190, CE, enthusiastic, restless, harsh
16. Illthar Urmar, 185, LG, tentative, cordial, forgiving
17. Junym Visyl, 817, NG, guiding, patient, heroic
18. Kastra Wymora, 850, CE, selfish, artistic, reckless
19. Lorasta Xarkas, 787, CG, strange, absent-minded, loving
20. Merwin Yannorin, 654, NG, focused, defiant, confident
21. Nyrill Zylora, 874, LE, charismatic, proud, studious
22. Othar Arsys, 897, NE, bossy, ignorant, scornful
23. Pethana Bresyra, 174, NE, authoritative, systematic, oppressive
24. Quandyl Cosbell, 465, CG, impulsive, outgoing, selfless
25. Ruthil Derwynn, 763, CN, helpful, outgoing, parental
26. Sorildyn Eleris, 1114, CG, dedicated, honorable, optimistic
27. Tothali Folwyn, 320, CE, brutal, careless, possessive
28. Ulen Gemalkin, 596, NE, petty, disruptive, impractical
29. Vascala Hellewin, 954, N, maternal, businesslike, friendly
30. Worion Idaro, 890, LN, quiet, timid, dutiful
31. Xoala Julastin, 1058, LE, bored, inconsiderate, power-hungry
32. Yano Kosandoral, 960, CN, trouble-maker, bold, wacky
33. Zaida Lenala, 644, CG, independent, thrill-seeker, capricious

Half-Elves

1. Webster Xan, 34, N, studious, cautious, driven
2. Xillia Yarborough, 339, CG, adventurous, grateful, paternal
3. Algar O'Dell, 345, NG, faithful, quiet, solemn
4. Dewey Tynellin, 329, NG, cooperative, generous, principled
5. Edmund Biriel, 56, CN, mature, absent-minded, calm
6. Lynette Adoma, 109, CG, gregarious, inventive, silly
7. Gilbert Topperill, 154, CG, curious, procrastinator, temperamental
8. Norma Disseel, 184, LN, traditional, curious, reserved
9. Fintik Barber, 389, CG, fussy, thoughtful, humble
10. Sigil Tanner, 393, LG, ambitious, imaginative, realistic
11. Kinta Harmon, 25, CN, honest, hard-working, artistic
12. Ivell Cardham, 21, LN, patient, kind, imaginative
13. Alles Finch, 152, CG, rebellious, merciful, entrepreneurial
14. Uvi Pinetop, 226, LN, cheerful, thoughtful, sly
15. Talya Birdsong, 94, CE, insincere, neglectful, clumsy
16. Riash Zimmer, 125, CG, headstrong, naive, unlucky
17. Tianel Stoutman, 259, CN, creative, open-minded, intuitive
18. Gimiel Wortham, 354, NE, spiritual, dissatisfied, distracted
19. Haleira Yamhill, 47, CG, elegant, affectionate, leader
20. Iljor Ashford, 171, CG, protective, temperamental, logical
21. Janet Biquinial, 65, CN, devout, mentor, organized
22. Khyrym Coleman, 25, CN, harmonious, principled, passionate
23. Lisaro Dunmere, 356, LG, self-controlled, strong-willed, assertive
24. Marietta Eritora, 80, NG, patient, courageous, impulsive
25. Nicole Fyrra, 402, NG, introspective, loner, wise
26. Osharia Golfaren, 38, CG, balanced, trusting, open
27. Perry Holcomb, 211, N, fair, responsible, decisive
28. Qesterin Iludi, 340, CG, vulnerable, curious, unconventional
29. Rychell "Rye" Jamseon, 20, LN, future-focused, unafraid, gravely ill
30. Sandy Lombard, 158, CN, opportunistic, unfortunate, skittish
31. Tessimar Moore, 73, NG, moderate, diplomatic, energetic
32. Urym Niwenys, 273, LG, obsessive, indulgent, frustrated
33. Valerie Orson, 33, CG, dramatic, insightful, humble

Dwarves 

1. Tane Stonehauler, 336, LG, hopeful, inspiring, generous
2. Madeline Dustsifter, 164, LN, imaginative, anxious, easily confused
3. Viola Goldsmith, 349, NE, happy, childlike, philosophical
4. Davenport Hidesplitter, 284, LE, authoritative, organized, vicious
5. Damon Stonesplitter, 15, LG, vigilant, dutiful, humble
6. Wanda Earthmover, 314, LG, helpful, trusting, uncertain
7. Savannah Rockshaker, 223, N, opinionated, hopeful, forgiving
8. Heidi Throatstomper, 341, NG, detail-oriented, devout, maternal
9. Jacob Marbleminer, 336, LG, well-respected, peaceful, teacher
10. Meredith Sandmover, 290, CG, ambitious, inventive, confident
11. Emily Muddigger, 153, LG, bold, original, contemplative
12. Gordon Treeclipper, 200, LN, prepared, visionary, principled
13. Lana Golddigger, 168, NE, joyous, self-destructive, personable
14. Maxwell Hammerpounder, 24, LG, narrow focus, ambitious, regal
15. Frances Oakcutter, 231, LN, studious, reserved, spiritual
16. Heathcliff Mudcarver, 303, LG, disagreeable, competitive, proud
17. Charlotte Rockhewer, 334, CG, acclaimed, hardworking, dedicated
18. Edgar Grassgrower, 361, CG, determined, confident, reluctant to change course
19. Korkner Barkeater, 36, NG, decisive, hopeful, future-oriented
20. Arlene Granitebreaker, 190, N, defensive, perseverant, wounded
21. Peyton Copperminer, 209, NE, exhausted, struggling, worried
22. Carlisle Blessedforge, 298, NG, enthusiastic, risk-taker, expressive
23. Dolly Bronzebane, 278, CG, passionate, charming, thrill-seeker
24. Ethan Alegrip, 320, LG, generous, independent, warm
25. Fallia Hammermaster, 174, LE, inspiring, assertive, inventive
26. George Mudgrog, 217, LN, deliberate, watchful, survivor
27. Hector Steelhelm, 69, NE, forceful, intimate, intuitive
28. Isha Blackchain, 379, LE, affectionate, businesslike, spiritual
29. Juniper Deepforge, 90, LG, exuberant, harmonious, energetic
30. Karl Hidegrip, 172, CG, dissatisfied, self-absorbed, bored
31. Lanier Goldlace, 338, LG, grieving, regretful, defeated
32. Molly Silverstone, 367, CG, sentimental, kind, blissful
33. Norris Anvilback, 403, LN, indecisive, dreamer, principled

Half-Orcs

1. Delia Primm, 70, CN, deep thinker, future-focused, burnt out
2. Larski Brot, 13, LG, content, proud, principled
3. Shav Krink, 76, CN, joyful, peacful, personable
4. Blet Scran, 63, NG, creative, intuitive, intimate
5. Trall Kort, 53, CE, visionary, empathetic, subtle
6. Ruk Frenk, 33, LE, spiritual, imaginative, soothing
7. Dulk Sart, 5, CG, diplomatic, wise, caring
8. Feln Trapp, 60, CG, intelligent, truthful, just
9. Gint Larb, 16, CN, indecisive, compromising, struggling
10. Nerk Zanf, 26, LE, lonely, betrayed, spiteful
11. Dort Grott, 19, CE, meditative, anxious, lost
12. Charf Nilt, 58, CN, disappointed, hostile, self-interested
13. Rilka Brek, 41, LG, sad, suppressed, in need of guidance
14. Tigug Ulgan, 24, LG, cunning, independent, witty
15. Vriska Kilug, 7, CN, confused, powerless, angry
16. Globat Borbal, 77, CN, imaginative, practical, personable
17. Ghorza Rulfim, 11, CE, depressed, exhausted, desperate
18. Shelur Farghed, 52, N, defeated, distrusting, forlorn
19. Xurl Dugorim, 43, N, knowledgeable, honest, impulsive
20. Larek Ragash, 60, CN, fierce, intellectual, direct
21. Shadbak Uloth, 13, N, clever, truthful, respectful
22. Grat Sharn, 14, CE, rational, impartial, leader
23. Gul Dombuk, 35, LE, practical, opportunistic, clarity of purpose
24. Nagh Murzush, 57, CN, flexible, playful, focused
25. Bula Lazgar, 70, CN, cooperative, prepared, passionate
26. Yotul Lagahk, 63, CN, greedy, resistant, impatient
27. Lazgar Mazoga, 47, NE, insecure, ill, disapproving
28. Lash Bagdurash, 73, NE, reflective, patient, unconventional
29. Bolar Rogmesh, 28, CN, generous, authoritative, leader
30. Orzul Gharol, 40, CE, diligent, focused, curious
31. Yazgash Mog, 56, LG, hardworking, self-reliant, refined
32. Zubug Pargu, 9, NG, traditional, helpful, charitable
33. Zilg "Z" Vigdug, 31, LE, responsible, common sensical, trusting

Halflings

1. Clover Loom, 77, N, unwavering, cautious, thorough
2. Kirk Tumbler, 97, NE, realistic, industrious, principled
3. Tabitha Tealeaf, 221, N, nurturing, down-to-earth, resourceful
4. Jordine Spoke, 110, NG, patient, dependable, modest
5. Augustana Belt, 101, LN, apprehensive, hurried, righteous
6. Lisa Keyhole, 291, LN, cocky, incoherent, shrewd
7. Burton Cuff, 257, LE, shameless, composed, irreverent
8. Greta Lock, 180, NG, formal, plucky, pious
9. Josephine Glass, 115, N, inspiring, emphatic, self-doubting
10. Abner Rainfellow, 76, LG, devout, lost, inconsolable
11. Betty Bluebottle, 200, NE, arrogant, vicious, unrelenting
12. Connor Yarn, 54, NE, self-centered, practical, imaginative
13. Daisy Littlehill, 238, CG, curious, self-assured, unflappable
14. Eddy Nailtop, 288, N, sneaky, irresponsible, unlucky
15. Felix Manykeys, 221, NE, gregarious, braggart, easily manipulated
16. Georgia Goodbowl, 290, CG, principled, dishonest, wise
17. Harry Stoutleaf, 55, N, restless, aimless, easily manipulated
18. Isla Razor, 188, LG, inventive, directionless, brave
19. John Wirebrook, 230, LG, knowledgeable, aloof, passive
20. Kassie Wheelspring, 244, LG, helpful, scared, heartbroken
21. Louis Goodeye, 133, NE, outraged, violent, principled
22. Maude Crazygoat, 189, LE, irritable, jokester, temperamental
23. Nathaniel Soap, 68, CN, driven, obsessive, self-destructive
24. Opal Bookdale, 143, CN, self-absorbed, oblivious, possessive
25. Paul Shortwick, 130, LN, straightforward, loving, simple
26. Quinn Goodbarrel, 105, CG, forgetful, desperate, clever
27. Ralph Warmpipe, 51, N, practical, paternal, artistic
28. Sally Cloudworth, 253, LG, gruff, negative, strategic
29. Tenille Brushlock, 149, LG, incredulous, irritable, hopeful
30. Omar Slowhand, 399, CN, bold, private, in control
31. Vicki Mooncloak, 155, NG, authoritative, tough, direct
32. Wendell Farbutton, 95, NG, loudmouthed, addictive, unruly
33. Sarah Freeshadow, 183, LG, stern, protective, talkative

Gnomes

1. Strut Galili, 414, LE, decisive, vicious, calculating
2. Cecil Corbo Blink, 268, NG, taciturn, dedicated, action-focused
3. Melodrome Boddynock, 38, N, principled, brave, mysterious
4. Haftra Fiskinspark, 81, LN, happy, trusting, nervous
5. Beep Tolnackle, 595, CE, loner, defensive, surprised
6. Skip Liddle, 165, CN, spiteful, motivated, uncertain
7. Tavar Tock, 489, N, quiet, exacting, sneaky
8. Finny Laskinack, 32, LE, loud, violent, short-tempered
9. Tinktink Clicksteel, 281, LN, faithful, persistent, reserved
10. Goldie Thistlespark, 115, N, heroic, volatile, dreary
11. Dinlo Fastfizzle, 129, LN, dark, misanthropic, inquisitive
12. Quilp Wobblebonk, 128, N, suspicious, defensive, cloying
13. Olbiglius Swizzlepipe, 226, CG, confused, idealistic, scientific
14. Gorbulus Boffins, 588, LG, adventurous, unassuming, dutiful
15. Lyssbetonk Cogswagon, 276, LE, sneaky, calculating, opportunistic
16. Bixi Thenbabrick, 375, CN, open-minded, intellectual, well-rounded
17. Dimly Sadpockets, 222, CE, strategic, careful, resourceful
18. Mimble Ladlesworth, 480, CN, devout, charismatic, nurturing
19. Queen Bobrick, 376, NG, depressed, directionless, handy
20. Arcwitz Jellyroll, 99, NG, reserved, inconsistent, productive
21. Bolt Cogsmith, 8, LG, comical, critical, animated
22. Gilbin Bottlefingers, 36, CN, reckless, open-minded, zany
23. Arcalena Greenyellow, 345, LN, tentative, nimble, anxious
24. Dizzy Doublecannon, 191, LG, self-aware, creative, caustic
25. Spark Bumbletumble, 443, N, renegade, strategic, bold
26. Jerylin Hatstink, 209, LE, knowledgeable, gentle, charismatic
27. Trifffft Penderflerflur, 491, LE, mysterious, self-serving, crafty
28. Seven Fifteen, 364, LN, perceptive, exacting, responsible
29. Lorelai Cobblewobbles 152, CG, conflicted, helpful, unfortunate
30. Warble Zarzaphod, 92, NG, over-the-top, ingenious, bizarre
31. Darcy Fortypigs, 421, NG, calculating, idealistic, organized
32. Bart Zazezizozuz, 584, CN, driven, empathetic, grounded
33. Sippikup Magee, 137, N, investigative, principled, pushy

A final note: if you want to come up with a resource like this for yourself, here's some advice. For names, I find it easier to make up a name if I have initials to start with. So I'll list the alphabet down the page and go from there. (If you look at most of the name lists, you'll see this pattern.) Ages and alignments are easy to pick randomly given the race of the character. And for the personality traits, you can use all variety of methods: envision a personality and describe it; use lists of personality traits (like this one); look at your favorite books/movies/video games/etc and describe your favorite characters; I even used my tarot decks to create a good chunk of the personalities in this list. Any jumping-off point that works for you will be good. And if you find that good-aligned characters have negative traits and evil-aligned characters have positive traits, that's fine! It makes for more complex storytelling if the evil person is actually superficially nice or the good person is a pushy snob. Remember alignment is about tendencies, not personalities. 

Hopefully, this resource is helpful to a few DMs out there. Next time, a write-up of the mystery campaign I've been using these names for with more information on how to craft an ongoing mystery campaign. 

Coming soon: how to deal with critical rolls, how to create in-game documents, and how to design a dungeon. Until next time, happy gaming!

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Mystery Campaign Notes and Premise

Last time, I shared how to create a mystery one-shot. This time, I want to show you how to craft a longer mystery campaign that keeps the drama alive between sessions. The trick here is to have essentially a series of smaller, connected mysteries. Some people will want to make the whole campaign one holistic mystery, and I'm sure that there are elegant ways to do that. But for most groups, you'll be better served with an episodic framework, one that allows them to move from discovery to discovery, moving from a piece of information through its development of later information. 

Let's start from the ground up. I'll use the mystery campaign I'm running now as an example. The basics: our three-person party is enlisted by the guards in a medium-sized city to help solve a murder. As they investigate the murder, they begin to realize that the motive for the murder stretches wider than just the identity of the victim. We're moving into session four soon, and at this point, the party knows that a local inventor's inventory has been raided by the same person who committed the murder. (I'll provide more detail when I recount the individual sessions later on.) I have an end goal in mind, but I thought I would keep those developments a secret for now for two reasons: (1) I want to show how to move from the simple beginning to the complex ending, and (2) I don't want my players to read here and find out the ending to the campaign. So with that in mind, let's talk about the unique challenges of a mystery campaign. 

One beginning hurdle I faced as a DM with this premise was that one of my players had suggested a mechanic wherein the players have secrets they wish to keep from one another. I like this idea; it makes the mystery a two-headed issue in that the players must immerse themselves in information to progress, but must also keep information about themselves close to the chest. I developed a mechanic for this--for every session the players keep their secrets, they get a small stat boost. For completing the first session with their secrets intact, they each received a permanent +1 Investigation bonus, which can be a considerable boon in a mystery campaign where Investigation is one of the main skills they use to progress through the story. (We're running this adventure in 5e, but you can easily adapt this to whatever edition you're playing.) I offered the same boost for the second session, and will offer their choice of a +1 in either Persuasion or Insight at the completion of the third session. This mechanic allows the players to increase their efficacy incrementally without relying on spaced-out level ups. It also gives them incentive to roleplay keeping their secrets. The result of that has been that each character is suspicious of the rest of the party while being paranoid about their own secrets, which I think contributes well to the mystery genre. 

So what kinds of secrets are we talking about here? Again, I don't want to share them directly lest they be discovered here by my players, but I'll summarize them this way: "My character committed a serious crime in the past that still haunts them." It's good pulpy detective stuff all around, which helps the players get into the mystery of it all. So far, the players have simply kept themselves from getting too close to the other detectives, but by the end of the third session, they've begun to get more personal and address each other as people, and not just teammates. It's only a matter of time until the group inevitably gets closer and closer to each other's secrets. 

But that isn't enough for me. I want additional pressure on their secrets. So I created a rival detective NPC who would be interested in investigating the party in their own right. As a joke about Fallout 4's Nick Valentine, I named this detective Dirk St. Patrick, and to soften the edge of him as a saboteur to the party's progress, I gave him the silly habit of doing film noir narration out loud while he's with people. "The smell of booze on my breath wasn't as powerful as my sense these detectives had something to hide," he would say as though no one could hear him, "but it was close." In my experience, adding some humor to an antagonist can be really helpful for dramatic energy manipulation. If St. Patrick is monologuing in a ridiculous fashion for a minute and then asks some cutting question about the party's pasts, the players are taken a little bit more off-guard by the dramatic question. So this detective NPC puts pressure on the player's secrets even when they're allowing each other the space to keep those secrets. 

So what about the actual mystery? Our first session was structured so that the first piece of information the group had to gather was a description of the murderer. The party had to question people to see if anyone had seen the murder occur. Using the three clue rule again, I created three NPCs who had witnessed the murder with the stipulation that the party needed to confirm any information they discovered with a second source. But of course the party will always think of things the DM does not. For instance, I designed the three NPCs who had information for the party, but one of the players thought to use "Speak with Plants" to interrogate a dandelion in the alleyway where the murder had been committed. I had in no way accounted for this. This is how, even though I'm asking the party for two accounts to confirm information, the three clue rule still applied. I can assume they'll come up with something I wouldn't, which means there are at least four possibilities for those two accounts--still allowing them to miss two options and still progress. 

The form of these clues is relatively easy to write. Each witness should have slightly different information than the last, but generally keep the same story going. Here are the clues for the first session: 

Tavern keeper (Baldwin Weams, 29 human) testifies that a purple turban-wearing figure fled the alleyway this morning. He saw on the way to work. 

Night watch (Darla Oakfort, 67 halfling) saw a purple turban-wearing figure run from the direction of the alley with blood on their hands.

Cat burglar (Maeve Bobbin Torat Wekall, 122 gnome) was on top of the building by the alley and saw the entire attack: the turban-wearing figure (Maeve is colorblind) pulled out a dagger and stabbed Hildy to death. Maeve knew Hildy and is sad that she has passed. Maeve can be noticed about to break into someone’s second story. 

As it played out, the first account was satisfied by the players speaking to the dandelion (whose name was Derek). So when the players interrogated Baldwin Weams immediately afterward, I observed that the investigation was moving very quickly--they would have collected both clues within a short amount of time, too soon to wrap up a session. So Weams no longer witnessed the suspect fleeing, but has heard that a cat burglar saw something. He refers the party to Maeve, who was now sitting in Weams' bar. This increased the length of the session, but also added some intrigue. Rather than simply telling her story, Maeve required some coaxing from the party. This made the party feel like they had to struggle to get ahead, which is the mark of a good, challenging story. But however you go about pacing your adventure, it's important to remember that each possible path to finding the next clue should be within reach of your players. There are a lot of variables involved in moving from clue to clue, and you want your players to have options. When writing clues, think about how you might reasonably find witnesses and plan for those, but be ready for your players to think of something else.

When the party gathered its confirmed accounts of the suspect, they returned to the guard who had assigned them the case and reported their findings. I had the guard direct them to investigate the next step of the mystery: responding to a report that someone matching the description of the suspect was seen fleeing from a nearby intersection where an inventor's laboratory had been broken into. You'll notice the mystery moves in small increments: simply a description being one session and another being based around tracking their previous movements. This may seem counter-intuitive. You might assume that players want to make large, sweeping advances in the story. But mystery stories don't work that way. Mysteries take small information and magnify it into more meaningful pieces of information. It also help keep party from derailing accidentally when one mistaken supposition takes them far in the wrong direction.

Some people probably reject the concept of simply collecting the same story from each witness. Why not give conflicting stories that the players have to sort through to get to the bottom of things? I refer you back to the article I linked to last time, which argues against red herrings. A piece of misinformation seems just as attractive to players as a piece of genuine information, and they'll chase it endlessly. As an example, I had placed a dropped coinpurse on the roof near the alley where the murder victim was found. I intended it to have been dropped by Maeve the cat burglar; this way, the party would know someone was nearby and potentially saw the murder. But even two sessions later, the party was interrogating the found owner of the coinpurse as though he had committed the murder. I didn't mean this as a red herring (I wanted it to be supporting evidence more than anything), but it functioned as a red herring. You want your story to keep the players moving steadily forward, not taking them in the wrong direction. So keep the information consistent; just make the information a challenge to get to.

Finally, a little bit of background and one more DM choice that influences how the mystery progresses. Our party is made up of some characters who've never met each other: we have Beor, a dwarven werebear barbarian/druid who's been living alone in the woods for decades, visiting town for supplies; Ais, a tiefling rogue/wizard tinkerer who deals with racism in the city on a daily basis; and Montana, a half-orc bard country singer and private investigator who travels the countryside performing. To start, I provided each a bit of individualized introduction to the town and directed them all into the same part of town. Once assembled, a guard called them over and, because they were outsiders and therefore could not be trusted, insisted that they finish investigating the murder which had occurred in the nearby alley, which the guards were spread too thin to do themselves. And here's the twist: in order to keep this party (with the same players as the Eastweald campaign, who love to do solo adventuring) together, the guard cast a complex spell on the group. Should any of the party be more than 50 feet apart from one another, all three fall immediately unconscious. This creates interesting narrative developments, like when the group strayed too far from one another and were knocked out inside the guard headquarters, or when the party later stayed strategically close while still trying to perform tasks separately. But it also keeps the emphasis on party dynamics rather than on individual side quests. I thought this would be important for two reasons: (1) the mystery is the focus of the story this way; the adventurers are united by trying to free themselves of each other, so they need to cooperate, and (2) it places additional pressure on the secret-keeping element of the campaign. It's harder to keep people from finding out about your dark past when you can't get more than a few steps away from them. These effects are worth the challenge of keeping everyone close, and it definitely helps keep the narrative moving along.

So in review, the mystery should be incremental; keep the party moving towards the next step only when you can be sure that they're moving together and with the right information. I'll share more soon on how I've designed the overall plot and how the party is working through it. But next time is a tool I find very useful for DMing: a list of NPCs to drop into any situation. Need a random person to inhabit for whatever reason? Use one of these people and forget having to come up with all that information on the spot. See you next time.

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Mystery Campaigns

I read a short article a while back about tips for running a mystery campaign, and it inspired me to try my hand at it. Here's a link: the Three Clue Rule. It's worth reading the article itself, but the long and short of it is that your players cannot be counted on to find exactly what you're hoping they'll find, so you need to create possible routes for them to get there without dead-ending them. This is great advice. Any veteran GM knows that players will never act in accordance with how you expect or want them to, so it's vital to ensure that there are multiple paths to success. Hence the three clue rule: give them three options to progress from point A to point B, and they will probably find one of them. This does mean more work for the GM, but that's the price of a story which follows mystery conventions, allows player freedom, and includes a strong enough narrative to be interesting as a mystery. 

The linked article includes some examples of clues, and I like their examples, but I think they can be a little open to interpretation. When I designed my first mystery one-shot for a party made up of my brother, sister, and mom, I was aware that at least one of my players was playing for the very first time. I wanted to pad the adventure a bit with some safety rails to ensure that there were no moments where the party is floundering to find direction and I would have to perform some kind of GM intervention to get them on track again. So I opted for a compromise: rather than clues that lead to information about the mystery, I created clues that lead to different locations. I also included some flavor information that contributed to the mystery overall; I'll give illustrating examples below. But the key for me was keeping the adventure moving at all times. 

I adopted the three clue rule for each location the players arrived at. When they show up to a scene, there would be three distinct clues, each leading to a different location. I wanted five total locations in the one-shot, which I predicted pretty accurately would be an appropriate number of scenes for a one-shot. The result was a Choose Your Own Adventure-style outline, which I made more navigable by drafting the material in a Word document and using the headings feature to be able to click easily between branches of the story. (If you format a bit of text as a heading, there will be a link on the left side of the screen that allows you to jump to it; this allows you to move between clues and resulting scenes with a single click rather than scanning and scrolling.) Using this method, I had three beginning clues and 60 possible paths. That probably sounds daunting, but I used a shortcut: any clue that wasn't found or followed in a scene appears in a similar form later on, so I only had to create about 8 total clues which could then be reordered to reach the final scene. 

For example, the opening scene of the one-shot was that the player characters (all female) awoke in the middle of the night to find all the male members of their small town in comas. The three clues they could find were (1) a trail of magical energy leading out of town to a clearing in the woods, (2) a burned book with a stamp from the local library, and (3) the detail that each of the men in comas had a star-and-moon symbol on their eyes. Clue 1 leads the party out to the clearing, clue 2 leads them to the library, and clue 3 leads them to a nearby mausoleum which also has the star-and-moon symbol on it. So assuming that the party adopts clue 1 and heads to the clearing, they have the potential to find three clues: (1) a circle of plants with magic runes on them, with arrows within the runes pointing in the direction of a nearby shrine, (2) a group of animals, all male, in comas with star-and-moon symbols on their eyes, and (3) a burned book with the stamp of the local library on it. As you can see, the two options the players did not notice/pursue reappear as options. For the players, this will either be a second chance to notice a clue, or a deepening suspicion of the reappearing clue. In either case, we were able to move from scene to scene without writing 60 total clues; we just have to be crafty about how we use our clues. 

Other clues used in this adventure include tracks leading from one scene to another; a collection of burnt herbs, all of which can be found in a grove nearby; a collection of bound letters between the Big Bad (a witch named Anisha the Merciless) and the mayor of a nearby town, leading to Anisha's house; a dead half-elven woman with a map leading to Anisha's house; and missing pages from a spellbook which discuss sleep spells, with the antidote being jasmine, which grows nearby. Each of these clues includes information about the content of the mystery--as you can tell from the summary of clues, Anisha has emerged from her resting place in a mausoleum and cast a broad sleep spell on men from a book she found at the library; an adventurer tried to stop her but failed, and the party must collect herbs and jasmine to remedy the problem. 

When we played this adventure, it went very much according to plan. My family followed clues, went through the possible paths towards discovering the truth, and ultimately confronted Anisha at her home in the woods. It was perhaps the most prepared I have been for a single D&D session (up until the Cats one-shot last week), and it paid off. All I really had to do was create my outline of steps beforehand, then improvise details to keep the momentum going in between scenes. The mystery format is helpful that way: the movement between clues and the finale are pretty much set in stone, so connective tissue is all you need to GM. My normal style is to rely on improvisation so that players can be free to explore whatever routes they choose, but a mystery is closed in nature, so you can write and follow steps without it seeming forced. 

It's worth noting that I didn't really rely much on player rolls in this one-shot. If the players collectively fail all the rolls to notice each of the three clues in a scene, they're basically stuck. I don't find that narratively interesting or very satisfying to play, so I made the DCs for each roll relatively low (never more than 15, usually closer to 12), and I allowed players to find clues based on their descriptions of their actions rather than via rolling. In effect, this was much more a narrative game than a strategic game (which shouldn't be a surprise, since my emphasis is always storytelling over strategy). And for people new to D&D (like my mom, for instance), it was a great way to gently try out the TRPG world without being overwhelmed by rules and mechanics. I think mysteries lend themselves to this kind of play, so use these tips to easily introduce people to gaming. 

It's also worth noting that the one-shot ended up becoming the first session in a longer campaign. I wrote a more open-ended mystery for the second session, this one about a man who used Anisha's ability to cast spells across an entire area to lower the intelligence of people in the PC's town. For the third session, the players had decided to take the man back to his home town for his community to punish him, only to find that most of them had magically-lowered intelligence and that he basically ruled the town. As you can see, the net has grown wider and wider; I started with a closely-scripted mystery, moved into a looser mystery, and then into the players being more self-directed. This is a natural progression of campaigns without emphasized stories, and in the fourth session, I plan to introduce a more overarching but still optional storyline about how Anisha and the man from the second and third sessions have been corrupted by an ancient artifact which they must recover before a nearby ruler gets it. 

I'm also running a more focused mystery campaign currently, which begins with the murder of an innocent and grows in scope until the whole city is affected. I'll talk more about that next time, along with campaign notes and how to keep a mystery campaign moving even when the individual clues are connected to a much larger framework than the story I've described here. 

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Cats (2019) One-Shot

 

Introduction

I saw Cats in the theater when it came out because I love bad movies and morbid curiosity is one of my things. I loved hating it. A player in a campaign I ran based on the movie National Treasure (more on that in an upcoming post) requested a Cats-themed one-shot. I figured, "why not?" and watched the movie again to take notes and be prepared to write the thing. (The movie is less fun when you're taking notes.) I wrote the following one-shot as a result, which is largely a series of specific jokes about the movie fit into a simple rules format. In fact, the rules are basically there just to add some tabletop game fun--you should use my difficulty ratings less as a set rule and more of a suggestion, and always remember that the key with difficulty rolls is that if the player comes up with something clever that you think would work, ignore or fudge the dice. No one wants to come up with a perfect plan and then be foiled by a natural 1. It's just not interesting or fun.

Anyway, below is the one-shot instructions, with all narration italicized for ease of use. I ran it earlier this week and had a good time--my players sang about as much as I did, which was fantastic more notes on how my playthrough went at the end of the instructions. One final note: I am not great at devising melodies, so I just wrote parodies of songs I know. There is obviously a redrafting of "Memories" from the movie and a reference to the beautiful song "Train Song" by Vashti Bunyan, which you should listen to. But the rest of the songs are parodies of songs I co-wrote and recorded when I was in undergrad, which I imagine you won't have access to. So find a melody that works for you, or re-write the songs altogether if you like. This is just a framework to make things easy to pick up and play. Good luck and have fun!

If you're interested in creating your own one-shots from a movie, read this guide for how to create an adventure like this yourself. 

Rules

Create a cat. Give them three names: the name your human family calls you, the name other cats call you, and your unspoken name. (Do not write down or share your unspoken name under any condition. It should be effable, ineffable, and effineffable.) 

All cats are defined by their proficiency in six traits. These traits are Fierceness (attack roll versus Grace or Sneak--a higher Fierceness roll means the target loses one life), Grace (jumping, balance, defense), Sneak (evading detection, superior darkvision, defense), Moxie (excelling as an independent cat, initiative), Fostering (excelling as a social cat, calming enemies), and Expressiveness (singing, dancing). Choose two traits to be especially skilled in--these skills use a d20 to roll, and the other three skills use a d12 to roll. 

All cats have nine lives. Draw nine circles and mark one off any time you are injured. If you lose all nine lives, you are eliminated from the Jellicle Ball and must retreat to lick your wounds. 

Opening Scene 

[narration is italicized] You are in some kind of Hell. No matter which way you look or try to move, you are surrounded in some manner of thick cloth and other cats. The last thing you remember, there was a can of tuna near a bag. When you ate some, you were shoved into that bag. The sound of a car stopping alerts you to the fact that something has changed. You feel the sack being lifted. You feel the rush of gravity being defied for a moment, then the sickening feeling of falling back under gravity’s spell, but the sack is tightly packed and you have a hard time getting your legs under you. With a sickening thud, you land. [Roll a Grace die - an 8 or below loses one life.]

Moments later, the sack is torn open by razor-sharp claws. Five cats surround you: a slim orange tabby, an undersized black cat, a muscular Siamese, a one-eyed grey tabby, and a plump Havana brown. The cats proudly introduce themselves and ask if the player cats will be competing in the Jellicle Ball. They explain that being chosen as this year’s Jellicle Cat means the promise of a new, better life. They also say that three years ago, they competed in the Jellicle Ball as a group with Old Deuteronomy’s approval and urge the player cats to compete. They themselves are not competing this year because of stiff competition from the other cats in the neighborhood. 

Inspection reveals that the player cats have been tossed, bag and all, behind a Burger King. There is rancid burger meat and a variety of rats to be picked over before moving on to the first house of the competition. 

Cat Audience Members

Orange tabby: Whisker Prince/Galapaghost (human is a hipster) - slim, scaredy cat, highly supportive of player cats, always offering to groom them. Walks on all fours. 

Black cat: Little Night/Queenie - undersized, big talker, wants the player cats to perform but also maintain realistic expectations, aloof. Walks upright.

Siamese: Yasser Aracat/Fluffy (human is a 3-year-old) - muscular, wise, always being ridiculed by other cats, gives good advice to the player cats. Walks upright. 

Grey tabby: Winkadink/Petey - one-eyed, threatens fights he doesn’t actually want to get into, gives combat tips about housecats they had fought in previous competition. Walks on all fours. 

Havana brown: Penny Tenlives/Dot - plump, adventurous, silly, tells the player cats that all they have to do is be bold and trust in their cat fates. Walks upright. 

House 1

Guided by the crew of audience member cats, hereafter “the Herd,” the player cats arrive at the first house. On the edge of where a selection of businesses become suburbs, there is a yellow house with a short fence. An older cat sits atop this short fence and gestures the player cats toward her. “I am Old Deuteronomy,” she says, “and I have heard that you want to compete in the Jellicle Ball. You may compete as a group as the Herd did in years past; should you become the Jellicle Choice, you will all be allowed entry to the new life associated with the title. But I will warn you: you must out-cat every cat in the five houses of the Jellicle Ball to win, for the stakes must rise in measure with the difficulty. Are you ready?” Old Deuteronomy ushers the player cats into the first house via a cat door on the side of the yard, telling them, “Remember to think hard about what it means to be a Jellicle Cat--it is the key to becoming the Jellicle Choice!”

Inside the house, there are an array of human objects and cat toys of varying sizes. A scratching post towers high above the reach of any cat; human chairs tower almost as high as the scratching post. All is silent at first, but then the sound of purring grows louder and louder. A stately white cat enters the room, sizing up the player cats. “So you’re competing for the Jellicle Crown as well? You are the last competitors to enter this house, you should know. When I inevitably defeat you, I will move on to the next house to defeat the next cat. But I am getting carried away. Please allow me to introduce myself…”

Horkus Clawscratch

Horkus is a purely white cat with a dark blue collar; his humans call him Eddie. He has an extra claw on each of his feet and widely set eyes. 

(to the tune of “Dream Store”)

My name’s Horkus Clawscratch; I have extra claws

They say I’m unruly; I break all the laws

My extra claws are scary; they give all cats pause

Still I’m quite exciting; I love the oohs and aahs

I start my cat performing and meet with grand applause

I have no more cat friends; I have too many flaws

But it does not bother me; I’m always fine because

I’m loved by all the kittens and the cat grandmas

Horkus will fight if goaded into it, but he is also easily tricked. His ego can be flattered and he will offer advice on how to be a grand performer, bestowing a +2 bonus to the party’s Expressiveness rolls. Alternatively, if the party mocks his performing skills, he will become insecure and run off to be alone with his thoughts, allowing them to pass him by. If a fight results, he will run away after losing three lives.

When Horkus is bypassed in any fashion, a human will emerge from the bathroom down the hall, revealing an open window to the yard of the neighbors’ next door.  

Macavity Appears

When the player cats find their way to the next yard, the Herd is there to congratulate them. They praise the skills it took to bypass Horkus and talk about what a challenge he was before. Suddenly, you hear faint padding along the grass in the corner of the yard. A mangy cat makes his way toward them. Once in the security light of the garage, the cat leaps towards the party and says, “Macavity, Macavity, say it now: Macavity! You know what I’m gonna do to the likes of you? [pause] Not kidnap you! I actually have to read this: [he pulls out a small scrap of paper with writing on it] ‘I, Macavity, am both legally barred from competing for the Jellicle Crown and forbidden from ever using my powers to kidnap another cat. I formally apologize for my previous conduct and will refrain from such insidious behavior under penalty of being neutered the rest of the way.’ [gestures toward a tuft of fur covering his crotch] They got one of my boys last time and I don’t want to lose the other. You get it, right? But I can still add a little chaos to the proceedings. I need a volunteer!” Macavity pulls a set of magic dice from his fur and rolls them [2 d6s]: if the first d6 is 4-6, the volunteer gets a boost of the other d6’s number to the trait of their choice; if the first d6 is 1-3, the volunteer gets a deduction of the other d6’s number to the trait of the GM’s choice. 

After the dice rolls have been completed, Macavity teleports away, shouting “I’ll be back before this is through!”

House 2 

After dealing with Macavity, the Herd urges the party to move into the second house, a dark grey two-story with all the lights turned off. A side door to the garage is cracked open. Inside the garage, there is a burgundy sedan and a homemade cat home with upholstered platforms, gangways, scratching posts, food and water dishes, and dangling toys like feathers and fake mice. The sedan looks as though it is sized for cats, but the cat home is easily twice the height of the car. Suddenly, from atop the roof of the sedan, a grey cat with a hot pink collar climbs down to the hood and looks apprehensively at the player cats. “I assume you’re here for the Jellicle Ball,” she says. “But you’ll have to get through me first, and let me tell you, it’s no easy feat to get through [dramatic flourish] BORKLESNOUT!”

Borklesnout

Borklesnout is a Russian Blue with a hot pink collar; her humans call her Princess Diana. She clearly spends all of her time sleeping and eating like a good cat does. She has human hands and a pair of Converse sneakers.

(to the tune of “Cheese Heaven”)

Well my name’s Borklesnout, and my aim is true

I’m gonna make a big ol’ scratching post out of you

My claws will sink in, and cat, when I’m through

They’ll have to put you back together with kitty glue

I’ll reiterate: my name’s Borklesnout

The tomcats see me and they scream and shout

With my feline moves, I really knock them out

I’ll be the Jellicle without any doubt

Borklesnout is ready for a fight. She has a special spin attack that allows her to strike every enemy in range on one turn. The player cats can also fool her into showing how good she is in combat using her scratching posts, on which she gets stuck. Alternatively, if the party can distract her, it is possible to sneak past her entirely. If a fight erupts, Borklesnout will leave after losing four lives. 

Cockroaches with Cat Faces’ Interlude

If the party doesn’t immediately deal with Borklesnout, a swarm of cockroaches with cat faces appear from under the sedan. They stack into a cockroach pyramid and sing: 

(also to the tune of “Cheese Heaven”)

Things are hard when you live in a garage

So we grew cat faces for camouflage 

If you want our help, then we’ll sabotage 

Borklesnout with our roach entourage

If enlisted to help, the cockroaches will swarm the cat home, sacrificing part of their ranks to help the party move on. A small contingent of the roaches will also pry open a window to the other side of the property, allowing for passage. Otherwise, the roaches will open the window after Borklesnout is defeated. If asked about the threat of being eaten by Borklesnout, they reply, "We gladly give up our safety given a chance to dance."

Grizabella 1

When the player cats emerge into the yard, a sad cat wrapped in garbage lies crying on the lawn, her back against a tall fence. She looks up, sees the player cats, and begins to sing:

(to the tune of “Memories”)

Nine lives - what will we do with nine lives?

Can’t we make just one holy? Is it worth it to go?

Nine lives - do we really live nine lives?

Either burn down in Hell here, or be frozen in snow? 

Nine lives - far too many is nine lives

We just want to be happy at whatever the cost

Nine lives - I don’t want all my nine lives

I fear if I were happy, I would surely be lost

Grizabella finishes her song, gathers her trash wrappings, and slinks away, revealing a hole in the fence to the next yard. The Herd tells the player cats her name and say that she is generally kind of a bummer, always singing about how sad she is. “She almost won the Jellicle Choice last year just to get her to stop being such a drag, but Old Deuteronomy picked Mr. Mistoffelees for rescuing her from Macavity instead, because obviously that’s what you do when someone literally saves you from danger.”

The Herd follows the party cats into the next yard, which has an open window leading into the living room. 

House 3

A low, wide brick house sits in the center of the property. Through the window is a spacious living room easily twice the size of the previous garage. The couch seat is three times the height of a standing cat. Human plates, sized appropriately for cats, are scattered across the furniture with oversized shrimp and undersized forks. From down the hallway comes a calico cat with a black leather studded collar, who stands upright and begins to sing: 

Calicbro

Calicbro is a calico cat with an extra wide black collar with metal studs; his humans call him Chad. He is unsettlingly muscular and speaks slowly. 

(to the tune of “Silvered Elephants Harken”)

I take all of your things; that is the name of my grift

You’re too weak to stop me, cat; do you even lift?

You are no challenge; step to me and you will be stopped

I do my thing and all the while my collar is popped

Step to me twice, kitty cat, and both times will be follies

Grab your board ‘cause we know it’s ollies before mollies

I’m gonna win it all, and cat, you don’t even know

I marked your litter box, c’mon now are you mad, bro?

Calicbro is largely unwilling to fight; he repeats, “I don’t wanna fight you, bro” but takes a combat stance nonetheless. He can be easily manipulated or fooled, especially if the party cats can convince him it is cooler to let them pass. Calicbro is happy to share his catnip and the scattered leftovers if won over. If he does fight, he does damage equal to two lives on each strike. If a fight erupts, Calicbro will leave after losing five lives. 

When Calicbro is dealt with, a cat door on the other side of the room is revealed when a stack of magazines topples over. The cat door leads out to a spacious yard filled with piles of cat poop. The Herd praises the party for their prowess, but scatters when a brown-and-black striped cat appears. He marks several of the piles of cat poop before introducing himself. 

Rum Tum Tugger

“I’m Rum Tum Tugger, and I’m here because I heard there were some sexy-ass cats making their way from house to house. I’m into it. Who here is the sexiest cat?” Rum Tum Tugger makes advances on the cat who volunteers, launching into a short song:

(to the tune of “Train Song” by Vashti Bunyan)

Markin’ a cat, that’s the way that I bind you

To kitty-cat love, and please let me remind you

I’ll flirt and I’ll smile, but get carried away

And you will forget that I will never stay

Rum Tum Tugger flirts until consummation is imminent, then rejects the cat and asks, “Okay, who here is the second-sexiest cat?” Before anyone can answer, a human comes outside with a broom and shoos all the cats away, forcing the party toward the next house. 

House 4 

You enter the next yard to see a white-painted house with faux-Greek columns at the front door. A window allows them access to a rec room with a computer (cat-sized), a collection of board games (enormous), and a few bean bag chairs (too small even for cats). Moments later, a striking Maine Coon enters the room and stares at the party. Only when they speak does she introduce herself. “Of course I’m Purrsnickety, the obvious choice for the Jellicle Ball.” Then she sings:

Purrsnickety

Purrsnickety is a Maine Coon with no collar (though a partially-shredded red collar can be spotted on the ground by her cat bed); her humans call her Tinkerbell. Her lion-like mane of light grey hair makes her black fur look darker than black. She has human hands and an array of dazzling rings.

(to the tune of “Left of the Fifties”)

I’ll be the kitty cat with the Jellicle Crown

They call me “The Vet” ‘cause I’ll put you down

In the victory circle, you won’t be around

I’ll be floating off while you’re in Losertown

I’m the cat with the Jellicle Dreams

Try to match me and you’ll split at the seams

Don’t even try to play with my little toe-beans

I’m the cat that takes it all to the extreme

Purrsnickety can be flattered into thinking she is above the Jellicle Ball. She can also be convinced the party is friends if they groom her. If the party mocks her little toe-beans, she will leave crying. If forced into combat, she will u nleash an attack that adds a -4 to all rolls of a random trait. Purrsnickety will leave after losing five lives. 

Mouse Chorus’ Interlude

A chorus of five mice enters the room shortly after Purrsnickety’s song. They hide atop the board game stacks and sing:

(to the tune of “Left of the Fifties”)

Purrsnickety doesn’t like to wear a collar

With that thing on, she’s not such a brawler

Put it back on and she’ll hiss and holler

After that, you can team up and maul ‘er

With Purrsnickety’s collar back on, she loses access to her special attack and leaves after only three lives being taken. 

After bypassing Purrsnickety, the player cats leave through a cracked door. In the yard, the party is joined by the Herd again for more debriefing and compliments. Shortly afterward, they are approached by brown-and-white cats who bob their heads and flick their tails in unison. 

Mungo Jerry + Rumpleteazer

“Hi there!” they cry in unison. “He’s Mungo Jerry,” she says, and he says, “and she’s Rumpleteazer.” Together, they say, “And we want you to win the Jellicle Crown. You’ve really impressed us. And so we want to offer you…” Before they can finish the sentence, a familiar strain of music comes from the other side of the yard: 

Grizabella 2

(to the tune of “Memories”)

Nine lives - what will we do with nine lives?

Can’t we make just one holy? Is it worth it to go?

Nine lives - do we really live nine lives?

Either burn down in Hell here, or be frozen in snow? 

When Grizabella finishes the verse, Mungo Jerry and Rumpleteaser say in unison, “Aaaaaaaanyway, we know a shortcut into the next house. It’s actually across the street. Just follow us!” They dash to the edge of the yard, leap over a cat-sized fence, and out into the street. 

Roll a Grace check [9 or higher] or lose two lives by being struck by a car. 

Any cat who is struck by the car is laughed at by Mungo Jerry and Rumpleteaser, who immediately disperse. 

Macavity Returns

Macavity teleports outside the chain link fence to the final house and says, “Your greatest challenge yet is inside this house. I can’t tell you what’s inside, but I’ll offer my deal again to two of you: roll the dice and receive a boon or bad fortune. 

Macavity pulls a set of magic dice from his fur and rolls them [2 d6s]: if the first d6 is 4-6, the volunteer gets a boost of the other d6’s number to the trait of their choice; if the first d6 is 1-3, the volunteer gets a deduction of the other d6’s number to the trait of the GM’s choice. 

House 5 

You arrives at a chain link fence with a hole at the corner of the yard. Immediately ahead is a light grey house with aluminum siding with closed door (cat-sized), a closed window (larger than human-sized), and a cat door (too large for cats). Through the cat door, the party finds a darkened living room with disproportionate furniture. 

Roll a Fostering check (difficulty 9) to realize that the cat door is not oversized; it is a dog door. A large grey bulldog-pit bull mix wakes up and rises to his feet, a green collar around his neck holding a tag that says “Vlad.” The dog gets between the dog door and the party. 

Vlad can bite for three lives damage and strikes twice per turn. He runs outside to nurse his wounds if he takes six lives damage. Vlad can be fooled by each of the traits. Grace allows the player cats to avoid his attacks with a roll of 10 or higher. Sneak allows the player cats to avoid being targeted for one round with a roll of 10 or higher and for two rounds with a roll of 15 or higher. Moxie allows the player cats to intimidate Vlad into not attacking that cat for one round with a roll of 10 or higher or two rounds with a roll of 15 or higher. Fostering allows the player cats to lower Vlad’s aggressiveness; one success roll of 10 or higher moves him from hostile to angry to defensive to neutral to friendly, and a roll of 15 or higher moves Vlad two spaces. Expressiveness allows the player cats to distract Vlad by singing and dancing; a roll of 10 or higher means Vlad will howl along (no biting) or run in circles dancing (all cats can take up better positions), depending on the action of the player cat; a roll of 15 or higher means Vlad do both. 

When Vlad has been bypassed, the adjoining dining room has an open window to the backyard; the sounds of a group of cats come through the window. The party leaves through this window to find the Herd again. “You’ve got to be the Jellicle Choice now! No one has ever gotten past Vlad without just running away.” Suddenly, familiar music comes from the other corner of the yard:

Grizabella 3

(to the tune of “Memories”)

Nine lives - far too many is nine lives

We just want to be happy at whatever the cost

Nine lives - I don’t want all my nine lives

I fear if I were happy, I would surely be lost

The Herd rolls their eyes and shakes their heads. As Grizabella pulls in air for another verse...

Macavity Returns Again

Macavity appears again. “You know, at this point, it’s worth them taking the other one,” he says before wrapping his paws around Grizabella and teleporting away. As if on cue, Old Deuteronomy leaps over the neighbor’s fence and tsk-tsks. “Poor Macavity. He just can’t help being a naughty cat, even when it’s all on the line. I do kinda get it, though. But enough dawdling. It’s time for the Jellicle Choice!”

Jellicle Choice

Old Deuteronomy lets out a long mewling screech, and within seconds, dozens of cats appear in the yard, each seeming to hum its own song in total discord with the others. She stands up on her hind legs and declares, “The time has come. The winner of the Jellicle Ball, or perhaps winners this year, will be granted a new life, a life full of yarn and salmon and collars with no bells to let mice know when you’re coming. But who has earned this new life? Surely, Horkus Clawscratch, with his daunting extra claws might have won the Ball? Or perhaps Borklesnout, with her frightening fightening skills? Or Calicbro, whose epic chill and magnificent abs are spoken of far and wide? Or Purrsnickety, with her self-assurance that makes even a cat envious? Any of these cats could be the Jellicle Choice. But this year, for feats you have all heard tale of tonight, our winner is the group that even bested Vlad, the Unbound Hound. Our Jellicle Choice this year is [all player cats names]! You have earned the right to a better life. Only one test remains: answer the question, “What does ‘Jellicle’ mean?”

After player cats offer answers or question Old Deuteronomy on the premise, she says, “Seriously, I don’t know. I was hoping you could tell me. Next year, we’re going with what you said. Anyway, now, our crowned Jellicle Cats, you are the winners. So sing us your songs, heroes, as you step aboard the Jellicle hot air balloon and into your new lives.”

The gathered cats cheer as the party watches a cat-sized hot air balloon descend from the sky and land in the backyard. You are ushered aboard with chants of “New life! New life!”

Hot Air Balloon

Aboard the Jellicle hot air balloon, the party can pick out the faces of the Herd, prouder of them than the rest. Penny Tenlives shouts, “I told you! Just be bold!” Whisker Prince jumps on top of another cat, then toward the rising balloon to try to offer a high four. Winkadink smiles widely and tells other cats about how well he knows you. Even Little Night tearfully waves her paw. You rise and rise, leaving the tiny backyard behind. Soon you are enveloped by clouds, then appear above them. The rising sun reveals enormous floating mouse sandwiches, infinite balls of yarn, scratching posts that smell like catnip no matter how much you mark them. You feel yourself growing dizzy with the grandiosity of it all. This truly is a better life, one you are only beginning to see. You’re growing tired, the kind of tired that cats love to be. You all curl up in the basket of the Jellicle hot air balloon and take a much earned nap. 

You awaken to the smell of warm milk. A black-and-white cat wearing a sequined vest and a top hat is holding a saucer over the basket of the Jellicle hot air balloon. “Hey there,” he says. “My name is Mr. Mistofelees. I won the Jellicle Crown last year, and so it is my duty to introduce you to your new life.” He turns and gestures to a wide expanse of clouds, on which dozens of cats play and groom and frolic and eat and sleep. There is everything you could imagine a cat would want, plus one thing you can’t peg right away. Mr. Mistofelees sees you wondering. “Curious as a cat, aren’t you?” He smiles easily. “That’s the pile we keep of the Jellicle hot air balloons from previous years. Won’t you help me take yours to the pile?”

But when you uncurl from your napping position, you separate from your body. You are a floating, incorporeal cat. Your body below you is frozen solid, icicles forming under your cute little nose. 

“It’s an unfortunate side effect of the journey. No cat can survive above the clouds long. The lack of air makes you pass out, and when you wake up, it’s in Cat Heaven. So like I said, just help me drag this balloon and your corpses over to the frozen cat pile and you can get started on that better new life thing.” 

As you drag your bodies in the balloon’s basket across the threshold of Cat Heaven, the other cats look knowingly at you, as though to say they too were horrified to discover that the Jellicle Crown is placed upon a frozen, lifeless skull. Some call out supportively, while others simply look sadly at your uncertain faces. But all of them seem to be uncomfortable with this year’s reminder that paradise comes at a price, a price they can’t communicate to the world that sent them. Somewhere, as you heave the balloon and your own departed body into a pile in the corner of Heaven, you can hear a song faintly in the back of your mind. A song that goes, to your horror:

(to the tune of “Memories”)

Nine lives - what will we do with nine lives?

Can’t we make just one holy? Is it worth it to go?

Nine lives - do we really live nine lives?

Either burn down in Hell here, or be frozen in snow? 

Nine lives - far too many is nine lives

We just want to be happy at whatever the cost

Nine lives - I don’t want all my nine lives

I fear if I were happy, I would surely be lost

Notes on My Playthrough

I asked my players to come up with as much or as little music as they wanted to for this one-shot. Of my three players, each took a different route. One named his cat Tom Jones and sang appropriate songs by the same musician whenever called up. Another named his cat ODB and freestyle rapped every time his cat was called upon to perform. The last player, whose cat was named Hellacious Crumb, improvised an extended song at the end of the one-shot when Old Deuteronomy invites them to sing. Each player's addition was phenomenal. This should ideally be the way you invite them to participate: as much as they like, but no pressure to sing if they're anxious about it. It also helps if everyone's a bad singer, because then you're dealing more with the silliness of the action than actual performing ability.

And for GMs who don't have a lot of experience, think about the house encounters this way: the goal really isn't to have the player cats fight every competitor. The nine lives design means that all combat would have the whole party near death before meeting Vlad, who is likely to knock out any flagging cats. Instead, tell your players directly at the beginning of the game that ingenuity and creativity are the better bets; however they can imagine to get around the cats is the best possibility. And don't fret the difficulty of things--if your players come up with a plan that sounds like it would work, make it work. If they're figuring things out so quickly that they are moving too quickly, create a complication. For instance, if the party immediately figured out how to bypass Borklesnout, have Borklesnout become territorial and try to push back. Maybe Borklesnout is harder to impress than other cats, and the party will have to try harder to win her over. Pacing is a delicate art, but the gist of it is to not let things go on too short or too long, so just trust your gut.

A final note: my group not only befriended Vlad, but convinced him to let them ride him out of the house. If your players do something like this, make sure to celebrate it. I improvised a line about how impressed the cats were that the party could make Vlad bend to their will. If I could go back, I would also have made Vlad friendly to the other cats, grooming them gently. My point is, if you're a beginning GM, remember that your job is to fill in the cracks in this outline (or recreate it altogether). Bottom line: have fun. It's Cats. It's meant to be stupid, silly, and ridiculous. Have a good time.

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