Monty Python and the Holy Grail One-Shot

Perhaps the greatest medieval tale of all time is the legend of King Arthur. In 1975, legendary comedy group Monty Python parodied that tale in their film Holy Grail. If you're like me, this film is a part of your world, a movie that looms larger than life. I've developed this film into a one-shot, allowing you and your players to experience this movie and all its absurdist energy. Read on for the full one-shot. 

I want to acknowledge something about the writing process for this one-shot. Much of the legacy of this film is in the exact execution of each joke, and I considered writing the one-shot such that each famous joke got its moment in the game. But Holy Grail is not an easily adaptable title. Not only do these jokes not carry over via repetition in the game, but the plot of the film is all over the place. As a result, creating a coherent one-shot meant keeping the content but not the order or style of the film. I am aiming for a one-shot that preserves the spirit of the movie rather than its exact expression. I hope that the result is enjoyable for you and your players. 

Character Creation: 

In order to create a character, the player needs a small collection of information. They need a character name, an epithet (name the Brave, name the Wise, etc.), and a quest. The quest should be something that they are called to accomplish with their lives, and it should be a broad idea, like "protecting the innocent" or "serving my king." All characters are Knights of the Round Table and begin the game with a servant, who they should also name. This servant will carry the player character's gear and provide coconut-horse hoof sounds. 

Also, a note before proceeding: this one-shot ends with the police shutting down the whole game. In order for this to work, you need to isolate a specific crime that the players commit while performing the adventure. So as you play, keep track of anything objectionable your players do, as this is the key to the ending of the one-shot. 

[Note: If you prefer, you can run this one-shot with traditional D&D rules. I have opted for a storytelling-heavy experience so that people can experience the film through the one-shot more as a reproduction of the film than a serious "win-or-lose" game, but D&D rules can fill out combat and various skill rolls if that's your preference.]

The One-Shot:

[narration in italics]

This one-shot is based on the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which was written by the Monty Python comedy troupe. The film was directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones. It starred the Monty Python comedy troupe. This one-shot was adapted by Beth Wake. This one-shot is sponsored by Chile's Authentic Llama Adventure. This one-shot was--I apologize. The GM who decided to begin a one-shot with credits has been sacked. 

This one-shot is based on a film written and directed by Robert the Moose. The All-Moose Comedy Caboose is directed by Bruce Moose and the Loose Moose Truce. All mooses appearing the this one-shot are represented by Lilith T. Moose and the Association of Moose Thespians, located in scenic--I apologize again. The GM responsible for these moose credits has been sacked. 

King Arthur and you, his Knights of the Round Table, have been traveling the land in search of righteous duty to fulfill. Towns small and large always have problems, and you as protectors of the land are responsible for helping them to resolve those problems. You have arrived in a small town called Maillig, which appears at first to be a simple place marked by peace. people walk the streets talking loudly about things you cannot understand out-of-context; the whole town seems abuzz about the differences between African and European swallows. But not long after your arrival, a crowd appears in the town square. With them is a young woman with a funnel on her head and a fake long nose attached to her head. They have captured a witch, they say, and they want the town magistrate to burn her. 

"Burn her!" comes the united cry from the crowd. "She's a monster! We must burn her!" 

Your liege, King Arthur, raises a sword-clenching hand into the air. Excalibur glitters in the midday sunlight. "A trial!" he shouts. 

Hesitantly, one of the rabble stops shouting about burning the witch, places a fine feathered cap upon his head, and climbs atop a platform in the village square. "As town magistrate, I will oversee this trial. You, who called for a trial--you shall be the witch's defense lawyers. The crowd will be the prosecutors. Let justice reign." 

The crowd seems more agitated than ever. One of the rabble steps forward, climbs up a few of the steps to the platform, and speaks clearly for the crowd to hear. "As we all know of witches, my friends, we must consider logic in these proceedings. One thing we know of witches is that they can do spells." 

A cheer goes up from the crowd. "Spells! Spells! Witches do spells!" 

The man speaks up again. "And spells are what a book does. It makes letters into words." 

"Yeah! Words!" comes the cry from the crowd. 

"And books are made out of trees." 

The crowd is clearly losing the trail the man is pursuing, but another cheer goes up anyway. 

The cheer is cut short by the yelling of a monk along a nearby street. "Bring out yer dead!" he calls out. A member of the assembled crowd notices this and steps away, grabbing an elderly man from the crowd and carrying him to the monk and his cart. The two whisper back and forth for a moment, then the monk strikes the elderly man in the head with a club. The two standing men place the elderly man on the cart and go their separate ways. The man regains his focus and continues. 

"And trees can be used to build things."

This time, only one member of the crowd speaks up: "Build a bridge out of her!" He is instantly shushed by several members of the now confused crowd. 

"We build things to keep out the elements. Therefore, if she can block the elements, she must be made out of trees, which means she is a book, which also do spells." 

A cheer even stronger than ever breaks out. "Yeah, make her a house!" a few of the drunker people cry. 

"No," says the man. "We will see if she can block out the sun." He nods sagely. 

The witch is brought to the center of the town square, and everyone backs away. It is about noon, and for a time, the "witch" casts no shadow. But suddenly, after moments of waiting, a thin shadow appears around the woman's feet. 

"Wiiiiiiitch!" cries the crowd. 

The magistrate turns to you. "It is your turn to speak. Can you convince the crowd otherwise?"

The players now have a chance to help the "witch," who is slow to defend herself and risk the further ire of the crowd. If the players try to use sound logic to debunk the other argument, the townsfolk should be slow to accept it and fail to understand the actual logic involved in the process. If the players use similarly twisted logic, the townsfolk will immediately agree with them and exonerate the witch. If the town sides with the crowd, the crowd won't burn the witch until after the party has left; they have a special ceremony that requires moonlight (the trial is supposed to be silly, and actually showing a brutal execution afterward kind of ruins that tone). [Variant scenario: You can decide the woman really is a witch and have the players fight her if you so choose. She should be hardy and taunt the townsfolk. Skip this step if you're more interested in sticking to the film.] Whatever the outcome: 

The magistrate approaches you. "I am pleased that you argued for reason and peace. It is hard to keep townsfolk like these happy and less pyromaniacal. I cannot pay you for your righteousness, but I can refer you to someone who can. My brother owns a castle to the west, in the swamp. He is holding a wedding tomorrow, and he is afraid that it will fall into chaos. He would gladly pay you handsomely to keep watch over the wedding." 

Let the party mull over options. If they're hesitant to go to the wedding, have King Arthur take charge and decide to go to the wedding.. Once they're on their way: 

"Perhaps we should go to Camelot," says King Arthur. Suddenly, you can hear the sound of merry song in your ears as though you were back in Camelot right now. 

Sing this Camelot song, to the tune of the song in the film: 

I'm a medieval hero

My cowardice is zero

I take my time to sing quite prime

To always reach the rear row

It's a strange life for Knights and so everyone says we are weirdos

We are all medieval heroes

I am, and he is, ditto

And sometimes weight can make you late

To show you what's a kilo

There are quite a few of us Knights and we always fill up three rows

[end song] (Music is such an integral part of what Monty Python does, including in Holy Grail; I highly recommend getting into the song for your players.)

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot," says King Arthur. "Tis a silly place. On to Swamp Castle."

The countryside passes by peacefully as you ride, the sound of coconut husks clattering together mixing with the singing of the royal minstrels. You make camp for the night, rest, and rise again in the morning recharged. It is only a short ride to the Swamp Castle, and you make it swiftly. 

At Swamp Castle, you meet the King, who is nervously chattering to his guards about the wedding which you can see is set up around the castle. Guests have begun to arrive, flowers are draped everywhere, and the sound of happy music fills the castle. The King ambles up to you. 

"Welcome to Swamp Castle. You know, the first castle I built sank into the swamp. The second castle I built sank into the swamp too. The third castle burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp. But the fourth castle is the castle you stand in now." The King gestures proudly around the castle, then looks serious. "You know, I received word from my brother, the magistrate you spoke to yesterday, that you were on your way to help. I'll be honest with you: I don't know if my son, Herbert, is going to stick around for this. He's on and on about marrying for love and not great tracts of land. It's madness! Here's what I need: first, make sure the prince doesn't escape, and second, make sure no one breaks in and causes chaos. I've seen it before, and by God, I'll see it again. Don't let it happen! But before you do that, our flower displays are looking a little lonely. Could you start by getting us a nice shrubbery for the wedding? Something with layers, that looks nice, not too expensive." The King wheels to meet a noble and begins chatting in a much more cheerful register. 

The party can search the castle or question people to find a shrubbery. The best source of information is wedding guest Knight Who Says Ni, who knows where the players can find a shrubbery. 

"Ni! I mean, sorry, you're looking for a shrubbery?" says the Knight Who Says Ni. "I just went through that myself. Ping! Oh, sorry, force of habit. You know, Peter the Shrubber could help you. Nee-waa! Jeez, seriously my bad. He's here at the wedding, right over there." The Knight gestures to an average-looking man at the edge of the wedding; he is inspecting the flowers that decorate the wedding. 

Peter the Shrubber seems delighted that you have come to him. "Shrubbing is my way of life," he says. "And I think I can help you." He steps behind a tree on the castle grounds and pulls out a cart which is loaded down with shrubberies. "Never leave home without it," he says. "I'll give you a nice layered shrubbery if you help me with one thing. Just promise me this isn't for the Knights Who Say Ni. Those guys just don't know when enough is enough. Have you seen how they're installing their shrubberies? Absolutely tasteless. And I would know. I'm a shrubber by trade, you see." 

Once the party has supplied the wedding with shrubberies, the King thanks them and reminds them to mind the wedding and look out for both Prince Herbert and any trouble. Once the party is patrolling:

A man with a rounded steel helmet is speaking loudly in a corner of the castle. "You English pig-dogs are all the same," he practically shouts. He gestures towards you and says confidentially to nearby people, "They wouldn't be able to find a cat in a catapult. They have ears that stink like German jam." 

If the party chooses in interact with the Frenchman, he will unleash more antagonizing insults. Here are a few: 

• "You creeping raven doo-doo monsters!"
• "Your grandfather could only eat very tiny pies!"
• "The only thing you've ever read is a bedtime story for ants."
• "You are so short that you can't sneeze right!"
• "I have furniture with more bravery than you!"

No matter what, the Frenchman will not fight, and will run away if attacked. All he will do is offer more insults until the party leaves him alone. 

The party can now move around the castle. They can find the following scenes: wedding guests creating flower arrangements, guards patrolling and trading posts, the King speaking with the bride's family, and some very lax guards trying to keep the prince inside. The prince himself can be found in the guarded tower, firing arrows with help messages attached, or outside the castle, using bedsheets as a makeshift rope to escape. 

If the party stymies Prince Herbert's escape, he will readily concede and return to the castle, talking absently about true love and mentioning an artifact called the Holy Grail. If the party helps Prince Herbert escape, he will inform them of a great artifact called the Holy Grail by way of thanking them and disappear into the woods. If the party is interested in his talk of the Grail, Herbert says his father can tell them more. If asked, the King says to seek out God, as in all things. If the players pray, jump to the section below where God appears to the party.

Midway through the preparation for the wedding, the party can notice a man running toward them from the distance. When they inspect him closer, he is again at a distance, running toward them. This repeats several times, until suddenly, the knight errant appears at the party's location and gets a sneak strike on them. The party must stop this knight from destroying the wedding in order to secure the King's blessing, which he provides as soon as the knight is defeated: an entire castle, only partially sunken into the swamp. If the part erupts in combat with this knight, he will fight valiantly, even through losing any or all of his limbs. (He should describe "flesh wounds" and "scratches" if so.) If the party helps the knight disrupt the wedding, the knight mentions that he came seeking the beautiful princess who wrote the help message on the arrow he found; he is disgusted to learn it was actually Prince Herbert, and rides off into the sunset. 

With the wedding over, it is now late evening. The clouds in the sky hang low over the earth, and in a moment of strangeness, the clouds part to reveal the face of God. "My Knights of the Round Table," God says, "you have proven yourselves as great and powerful forces in the world. I ask you to seek the Holy Grail of which you have heard and use it to provide for your kingdom. Go north and seek out the great enchanter of the wilds, for he can guide you to the Grail." The face fades, the clouds rejoin, and darkness settles. 

In the morning, you rise to a breakfast of spam and eggs. You gather your resources and ride north until the lush green lands of your home of England give way to rocky peaks and harsh valleys. In the distance, fire bursts and explosions crackle. The boom of a fireball erupts before you, and in its wake stands a wizened old man with crude tusks on the side of his head. He sprays fire before you and stands stock still. 

"You may have heard of me. There are those who call me . . . Tim." More fireballs erupt from Tim's palms and burn designs into the side of the mountain. "I know why you are here. You seek the Grail. You must be brave and follow me to the Cave of Cairbenog, where you will face off against the most foul creature you have ever laid eyes on." Tim turns and begins to walk into the mountains, beckoning you to follow. 

He leads you through valleys and up mountain trails for over an hour. Then, a bone-strewn field lies before you, a light fog hanging over the scene. "There it is!" hisses Tim. "The beast!" A small white rabbit picks its way over the bones and dirt. 

The players may react however they choose to the rabbit. If they dismiss it as a threat, Tim pleads for them to believe him. If they attack the rabbit head-on, it heavily damages everyone and will kill them permanently if they don't come up with a clever tactic or retreat. Strategies to allow: surrounding the rabbit, hitting it with ranged weapons, using magic spells, sneaking around it, or anything else that makes sense to you. The party may also opt to use the Holy Hand Grenade if they adopt the film's strategy--in that case, have the player throwing it roll a die for the ability to count to three. If they succeed, the Holy Hand Grenade kills the rabbit; if they fail, the player counts to five, and the Holy Hand Grenade blows up in the thrower's hand instead, almost killing them. (If they were already badly injured by the rabbit, have this character die and return as a ghost.) However they proceed, move on once the rabbit is dealt with. 

Inside the Cave of Cairbenog, you see ancient carvings in the walls of the cave. Just as you find an inscription directing you to the Grail, you hear a shifting sound behind you. Turning, you see a massive many-eyed creature, which begins to chase you through the cave system. It grows closer and closer, snapping its enormous jaws. It is inches behind you, straining to reach, when suddenly, the monster disappears altogether. The DM failed to write the end of this encounter, and so the monster has been vanquished. 

You arrive at a rope bridge. Before it stands a disfigured old man with pale eyes. He stands unmoving, looks to you, and says, "Stop, who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see." 

Have one player step up to answer the riddles. Here's how to handle the questions: for each player, have the first two questions be their name and their quest, just as in the movie. The final question will be a trivia question from the one-shot. Here are six questions for the final slot (if you have seven or more players, you'll need to come up with additional questions beyond the sixth): 

1. If a witch can do spells like a book, what indicates that someone is a witch? (Casting a shadow)
2. What is the name of the prince of Swamp Castle? (Herbert) 
3. What is the name of the cave you just left? (Cave of Cairbenog)
4. How many Swamp Castles sank into the swamp? (Three)
5. What is the name of the shrubber? (Roger)
6. Which animal(s) were responsible for this one-shot? (Mooses and llamas)

If a player fails to answer a question correctly, they are flung into the Pit of Death, where they experience disturbing visions: 

You fly upward and then down into the Pit. You are surrounded by swirling forces of magic and death, and you land painfully on a stone. You struggle to your feet and look around. A shambling man stands nearby, and he says, "You don't die when you fall in the Pit of Death. Really, I don't know why they call it that. The way out us over there." He points, and there is a path leading up and out of the Pit of Death. You follow it, and soon you are standing at the shore of a great lake. 

If a player answers all their questions correctly: 

You cross the bridge carefully. The planks barely hold together with the frayed rope ends, and your way is fraught with danger. Suddenly, all you see is replaced by a great red field, and the looping sounds of chamber music fill the air. Halfway across the bridge, you can see a floating word above you: INTERMISSION

[do silly intermission music]

The intermission over, you finish your way across the bridge and find yourself at the edge of a great lake. 

If the party manages to cross up the bridgekeeper, the bridgekeeper will panic and be cast into the Pit of Death, allowing all the remaining party members to cross safely. 

The party, reunited if they were split up at the Bridge of Death, is now able to gather in a boat. 

You board a small watercraft with Viking-like decorations of a dragon's head atop the boat. You pilot it through thick fog, and before long, you are looking up at a formidable castle. You land the boat on the shores of the lake and approach the castle. King Arthur calls out: "We have come for the Grail. We will not be dissuaded. Let us in, for God's sake!"

A rounded helmet appears at the high wall of the castle. "You have returned, silly King Man, and brought all your persnickety fools with you. Go away, or I will taunt you again." 

The party may try to enter the castle, but all doors are barred, and the walls are too high to scale. King Arthur has a plan, though: 

"Fall back!" cries King Arthur. "We will gather reinforcements and take this castle and the Grail by force."

You look to the hills behind you and see hundreds of armored soldiers making their way towards you. From the castle, you hear more taunts: "You have never seen a quail you didn't marry! Your clothes were made by miniature weasels! You urinate in a way that illustrates your flaws as a person! Your hair smells of ancient pot roast! Go away, and take your snooty hat flowers with you!" 

The gathered forces draw closer. The Frenchmen in the castle are launched barnyard animals at you with increasing ferocity, and they seem to recognize that their castle may not stand up to the amassed soldiers under King Arthur. Tension mounts, and then suddenly, you hear a foreign sound. Like a wailing that repeats endlessly, a screaming pitch that arrests your attention immediately. Suddenly, scores of men dressed in dark blue with silver stars on their chests are among you. 

"You are charged with [the crime(s) you're charging the party with]. This is unacceptable, and this whole one-shot is over. C'mon, move along. It's over." 

THE END

That's all for now. Coming soon: architecture by D&D race, a list of custom classes, and how to create personalized challenges for your players. Until next time, happy gaming!

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