Napoleon Dynamite One-Shot

When Napoleon Dynamite came out in 2004, it was wildly popular. It was impossible to escape people quoting the movie, the iconic dance sequence at the end was parodied and recreated everywhere, and "Vote for Pedro" shirts could be found anywhere. Today, that fervor is largely dissipated, and Napoleon Dynamite is now a relic of a strange and bizarrely innocent world. Personally, my love of the movie never abated, and I wanted to create a one-shot for this movie that was and remains one of my favorite movie worlds. Read on for the full one-shot. 

The Rules

Players must create a character to begin the adventure. They must select a name (I recommend unconventional names in the style of "Napoleon Dynamite") and two abilities from the list below. Characters are high school students at Idago High, and they replace Napoleon in this one-shot. The possible abilities are:

1. Sick Threads - Your totally fresh style is so impressive that people will listen to you more closely. Roll a d6, and any result of 4 or higher will allow you to change the mind of one person of your choosing. 
2. Moon Boots - You have anti-gravity moves that blow peoples' minds with a dance routine. Roll a d6, and any result of 5 or higher can convince a gathered group of people to think like you. 
3. Fine Artist - Your ability to draw the most incredible fantastical beasts moves people. Roll a d6, and any result of 4 or higher will inspire people to get the message of your art. 
4. Bowstaff Skills - Your reflexes are so fast that no one can get past your defenses. When bullies try to give you a hard time, you can evade their attacks with a d6 roll of 4 or higher. 
5. Future Farmer of America - Your time on farms has taught you to be an expert in agricultural matters. With a d6 roll of 4 or higher, you can access any piece of information about farming from your memory. 
6. Friends in Low Rider - Thanks to your friendship with Pedro, his intimidating cousins are willing to help you. With a d6 roll of 4 or higher, they will give you a ride or stare down someone. 
7. Pocket of Tots - You craftily stored some extra tater tots in a pocket on your pants. There are enough tots for three snacks; each snack adds a +1 to any roll. You can use more than one serving of tots at once. You may decide to consume the tots and accept the bonus(es) after the roll has been made. 
8. "Whatever I Wanna Do, Gosh!" - Your commitment to being wholly yourself makes you the master of your own fate. With a d6 roll of 5 or higher, you can change one detail about the scene you are currently in. This ability can only be used twice per game per character (if more than one character chooses this ability, each person can use the ability twice). This ability can only be attempted once per scene per person. 

For any other action a player wants to take that wouldn't be assumed as a success, have the player roll a d6, with 5 or higher counting as a success.

The One-Shot

[narration in italics]

Day One: A booming voice comes over the school intercom. "Welcome, students, to another year at Idago High. We hope you've enjoyed your summer vacation and that you're ready to come back and learn. Remember that there is a student body election in three days, so if you want to run for office, you had better get going. Best of luck to all of you, and a special welcome to our new students."

A mustachioed boy who you don't recognize is standing next to you in a crowd of students outside the school. He smiles faintly as the loudspeaker continues, saying to himself, "Hey, I'm a new student. That's me!" He looks over to you and sees that you noticed him speaking. "Hi," he says with that faint smile again. "I'm Pedro." 

The players should now introduce themselves to Pedro. Pedro is looking for friends and is grateful for someone speaking to him. After the players have introduced themselves:

"You know," says Pedro, "I think I might run for class president. I know that I'm new, but I already have a lot of ideas. In my old school, we had a class pet. It was a hamster. But another class had a class pet too, and their class pet was a snake. And of course nature took its course. That hamster ate that poor snake. So my rule will be that you can't have class pets that want to eat each other." 

The players can respond to Pedro however they want in terms of this, but lead the narration to this:

"I know we just met, but I really like your style and I think you would be a good Secretary for the Student Body or whatever. Would you help me get elected?" 

The party will probably agree to help. If they don't, you can have Pedro offer a reward, like a new pair of num-chuks or martial arts lessons. Once the party is on-board with electing Pedro:

The first day back to school is a flash. Announcements, introductions, assignments, and lots of milling through crowded hallways. Your stomach churns as you near your locker and notice Randy. Randy has been stealing your lunch money and putting you in a headlock since you started at this school. It's danged messed up. He notices you and smiles a depraved smile.

"Hey there, I know you've got something for me," Randy says. He cocks a fist as though to punch you, swings it and stops short of hitting you, and pulls his fist back. He does this again, and again, and on the fourth time, he actually tries to hit you. 

The players can deal with Randy as they see fit. If they avoid his attacks, he will get frustrated and leave. If they change his mind, he will leave them alone until the following day. If they use Pedro's cousins to intimidate Randy, he will leave the party along until the following day. If the party accepts Randy's abuse:

Pedro approaches after Randy finishes with you. "That's not cool," he says. "If I become president, I will make a rule about bullying: no more of it. That's a good rule." He smiles faintly but earnestly. 

However the party chooses to deal with Randy:

On the bus ride home, you start to think about how full the next two days are. The election is in two days, which means tomorrow will be very busy. You'll need to complete a total of five goals in whatever order you can manage. You must (1) work a shift at the egg farm, (2) campaign for Pedro, (3) compete at the Future Farmers of America event, (4) perform to support Pedro, and (5) feed Tina, the family llama. It's such a daunting list that you spend much of the evening mulling it over and end up passing out on the couch. You awaken to Uncle Rico shaking you awake. "C'mon, dummy!" he says. "Don't you know you're gonna be late for school if you don't get your behind in gear." It's not the best way to start a day, but it's what you're working with. As you rise and don today's totally rad outfit, you can hear Uncle Rico on the phone in the other room: "I could pull a football apart into tiny pieces, throw all those pieces in the air, and the pieces would reform into a football before it hit the ground. I've done it before, and not even in '82. Football's middle name is 'Uncle Rico.' I could eat an entire cow in fifteen minutes if I had enough steak sauce." He prattles on like this well past when you leave to catch the bus to school.

The party now must decide how to proceed with the day. When the party decides on an action, scroll down to the section on that event; the players can complete these tasks in any order. Some stages are easier if they've completed other stages before, so let players back out of a task if they want to go get an advantage in another task. When they are all complete, jump to the "Election" section at the end. 

The Egg Farm

Making money isn't easy. Uncle Rico is always hassling you about contributing to the family, so you picked up this job at a chicken facility. The manager doesn't seem to remember you no matter how many times you show up, but he can tell the difference between two identical eggs every time. He looks at you with a faraway gaze as though something is brewing, but a moment later, he spits on the ground and says, "Shift's starting," and shuffles off towards the coop. 

The party must complete a shift at the egg farm. They are responsible for handling the chickens, collecting the eggs, and depositing the eggs at the edge of the coop. In order to complete the shift, the players may try to handle the chickens with the "Future Farmer of America" skill; a success allows the chickens to be moved and the eggs harvested without issue. Failures on either of these rolls results in a combination of chicken scratches on the players, unhappy chickens, and broken eggs. Players may also use "Bowstaff Skills" to outmaneuver the chickens and grab their eggs. If the party completely fails the egg harvesting, the manager fires the party without paying them. If the party completes more than half of the egg harvesting, they are paid and sent on to the next task. If the party completes the job perfectly, they are rewarded with both pay and an FFA token, which can be used to increase odds of success at the FFA event.

The party must complete three tasks at the egg farm. First, they must safely remove the chickens from their roosts--again, "Future Farmer of America" and "Bowstaff Skills" can be helpful here. If a player has "Pocket of Tots," they can coax the chickens from their roosts. Second, they must remove the eggs--again, "Future Farmer of America" and "Bowstaff Skills" will help. Third, the players must safely carry the eggs. Halfway across the coop, have the players trip. "Moon Boots" and "Bowstaff Skills" grant you the grace to safely recover without dropping the eggs. Otherwise, roll a d6. On a 1-2, no eggs are lost. On a 3, one quarter of the eggs are lost. On a 4, one half the eggs are lost. On a 5, three quarters of the eggs are lost. On a 6, all the eggs are lost. If less than half the total eggs remain after this step, the party will not be paid, but they will receive the FFA token. If more than three-quarters of the party's total eggs are safe, the pay is boosted. Standard pay is $6; boosted pay is $10. 

The long shift done, you managed to survive the dark, damp chicken coop and the large talons. Even Uncle Rico can't complain--you did your best, and that's all anyone can ask for, okay, jeez. 

Campaign for Pedro

You need to spread the good word about Pedro and about how if you vote for him, all of your dreams will come true. If you really want to make in impact, though, you'll need to give people something. "We should definitely talk to people and tell them to vote for me. But if we had, like, little bracelets that said 'Vote for Pedro,' or, like, little flags that said 'Vote for Pedro,' or, like, little coffee mugs that said 'Vote for Pedro,' I think people would remember it better. Or, you know, like anything that said 'Vote for Pedro' on it. That's the important part. Do you think we can make something like that?" 

Let the players brainstorm their strategies. If they have money, they can spend it at a small crafts fair happening on school grounds. $6 will buy enough small items to give to 20 people. $10 will be enough to buy items for 40 people. A player can use "Fine Artist" to create their own flyers or other handouts. 

The players must speak to three people as a representative of their time campaigning. For all of these interactions, the skill "Sick Threads" will allow the players to sway peoples' opinions. They can also use "Friends in Low Rider" to intimidate stubborn voters. First, they must speak to someone who is neutral in the race--Paul. When told about Pedro: 

"That's cool, I guess. Are you gonna get the AV Club's projector fixed?" 

If the players can convince Paul that Pedro will help the AV Club, he will agree to vote for Pedro and even spread the word. Next, the players must speak to someone who has a preference for Summer--Beatrice. When told about Pedro: 

"Yeah, I dunno. Summer is my friend and I don't really know anything about Peh-dro."

The players can convince Beatrice to vote for Pedro with "Sick Threads" or "Friends in Low Rider." No matter how well it goes, she will not spread the word about Pedro. If the players can get on Beatrice's good side: 

"Don't do a dance for your talent portion of your speech. Summer's really insecure about her new dance number and she doesn't want people comparing the performances." 

Finally, the players must speak to Trisha, Summer's best friend. When told about Pedro:

"Ew. No. I will be onstage with Summer to show my support." 

The party can once again try "Sick Threads" or "Low Rider," but it will raise the threshold for success from 4 to 5 for both skills. If Trisha is convinced to vote for Pedro: 

"Okay fine. I'll vote for Pedro. Summer really only cares about winning a popularity contest anyway. But don't tell anyone!" 

Once the three people have been spoken to, the school grounds start to thin out and there are no longer enough people to campaign to. If no people were convinced to vote for Pedro, the few people on school grounds are wearing "Vote for Summer" t-shirts. If one person was convinced to vote for Pedro, the remaining people are wearing a mixture of "Vote for Pedro" and "Vote for Summer" shirts. If two people were convinced to vote for Pedro, most of the remaining people are wearing "Vote for Pedro" shirts. If all three people were convinced to vote for Pedro, there is a small crowd of people wearing "Vote for Pedro" shirts, and there are "Vote for Pedro" signs and posters everywhere. If the players distributed items from the crafts fair or distributed their own flyers, the effects are multiplied: twice as many people for the $6 investment and three times as many for the $10 investment. 

Future Farmers of America Event

Today is the big day. The day to prove that you've learned what your forefathers did to support their families, that your family still does today. It's time to prove to the FFA that you know your stuff. You enter a grand blue tent outside the Old Rudolph Farm, and inside are booths set up with various challenges. You see people tying knots, shearing sheep, and identifying different grasses by smell. A short woman in overalls comes over to your with a clipboard. "I see you're signed up for milk tasting, farm plotting, and dirt licking. Let's get you to your events--you're a little late." 

She leads you to a booth with a series of glasses of milk before you. You are ushered to a seat before the glasses. "Okay, taste each milk and tell us what's wrong with it." 

The players must now identify the defects in three glasses of milk. Any player can taste and try to identify the milks with a d6 roll--a 5 or higher will grant them the correct answer. A player can use "Future Farmer of America" to make this roll with 4 or higher being a success. Any player who earned their FFA token by working at the egg farm can lower the threshold of success for these rolls by 1 (5 or higher becomes 4 or higher, for instance).  

If the players roll a failure, tell them the wrong answer for the milk's defect, as indicated below. I suggest ad-libbing another possibility if more than one player fails. If they succeed, tell them the right answer. If they roll a 6, let them know they are certain of their answer. For extra drama, don't let the players know whether their roll is a success or failure. The milk defects are as follows: 

1. Cow had a fever (Correct)
1. Cow drank lemon juice (Incorrect)
2. Milk has pesticides in it (Correct)
1. Milk has urine in it (Incorrect)
3. Milk is expired (Correct)
1. Cow is too old to bear milk (Incorrect)

Scoring 2 out of 3 milks or better is considered a success, and 1 or fewer a failure. Any player who succeeds passes to the next round with a chance to win it all. Any player who failed is allowed to continue, but will not be considered a contender. 

"Okay then, off to the next event. If you'll just follow me this way to the farm plotting booth." You follow the overalled woman to another booth, this one with architect's tables and large sheets of paper. "Use the supplies to draw a farm plot that could sustain a family of four." 

The players must now prepare their plots. You may have them each draw separately, or have them work together on one plot. To draw a plot, players may roll a d6--a roll of 5 or higher will result in a successful drawing. A player may use "Fine Artist" to complete this task with a 4 or higher, as can a player using "Future Farmer of America." Any player who earned an FFA token at the egg farm can make this roll with the difficulty threshold lowered by 1 (5 or higher becomes 4 or higher, for example). 

If the players succeed in their drawings, they may proceed to the next round. If they failed, they can continue, but cannot win it all. 

"Alright, last round: dirt licking. You have to be able to identify which crop was grown in each soil sample. This one's for all the marbles." You are seated at a small table with three cups of dirt. 

The players must now detect the crop signatures of the dirt. A player can identify the dirt with a d6 roll--5 or higher means a success. A player with "Future Farmer of America" can make this roll with 4 or higher counted as a success. Any player with the FFA token from the egg farm can lower the difficulty threshold by 1 (5 or higher becomes 4 or higher, for instance). A player who fails at this roll is given the incorrect answer. 

1. Sweet Corn (Correct)
1. Barley (Incorrect)
2. Parsnips (Correct)
1. Radishes (Incorrect)
3. Blueberries (Correct)
1. Raspberries (Incorrect)

If a player gets 2 out of 3 or more correct, they are successful. 1 correct or less is a failure, and the player is eliminated. If all the players failed along the way:

A voice booms over a loudspeaker: "Congratulations Gloria Westerfield, this year's FFA champion! She sheared a sheep one-handed and had a perfect record identifying animal feces by texture. She wins this year's prize: a full-page spot in the FFA newsletter to say whatever she wants. Thanks to everyone for competing." 

If any of the players manage to succeed throughout the three events: 

A voice booms over a loudspeaker: "Congratulations to [player names], this year's FFA champion(s)! They identified milk defects like a champ, drew an impressive farm plot, and licked dirt like you wouldn't believe. They win this year's prize: a full-page spot in the FFA newsletter to say whatever they want. Thanks to everyone for competing." 

The players can do whatever they choose with the adspace, but if they use it to promote Pedro in the school election, it will double his support (doubled after completing all five areas).

Perform to Support Pedro

The stage is set: Summer is finishing her speech, some ramble about not wanting "chiminey-changas" in the cafeteria next year. Standing next to you, Pedro flinches at her butchering of the word. He turns to you, defiance in his eyes. "I was told life would be better here in America. But it seems like some people don't want it to be. It makes me sad, but I don't want to leave. We have to make it better." Summer has finished her speech now, and the auditorium is rocked by applause. She takes the stage again with her friends, and they perform a dance number for the crowd. Pedro turns to you again, more subdued now. "I don't think I have a talent that will make these people happy. Can you do something? You have so many skills." 

The party has a moment to talk things over. No matter how the players coax, Pedro will not perform himself--he seems defeated and is barely up to giving his speech. The responsibility falls to the players. When they're nearing a strategy:

Summer's dance is over. Pedro takes the stage at the tail end of even heartier applause than before. He stands silently for a moment, regarding the crowd thoughtfully. "I know that everybody loves Summer. I don't want to stop that. But I think this school could be a better place. I see people get beat up for lunch money, and ignored by their teachers, and no one has a place to go to fix it. That's why I will be that person--I'll help you fix it. And if you vote for me, all your dreams will come true." 

If the players have already campaigned for Pedro or put an ad in the FFA newsletter for him, have a pretty hearty response to Pedro's speech, though still more subdued that the response to Summer's dance.

Pedro leaves the podium. A stage hand ushers you onto the stage. The lights focus on you. It's your time to shine. What do you do? 

The players must now do something to entertain the crowd. With "Moon Boots," a player can roll to influence the crowd with some sweet moves--this can be improved to success at 3 or higher if someone else in the party deploys "Sick Threads" successfully at the same time. A player may draw something live before the crowd using "Fine Artist." A player may entertain the crowd with a weapon drill using "Bowstaff Skills." The party may also improvise any other kind of entertainment--simply use a d6 roll and count 5 or higher as a success. You may grant them a bonus (such as +1 to a roll) if they deploy other skills or if their idea is especially clever. 

If the performance is a success: 

Your performance ends. There is a moment of uncertain silence. Then, thunderous applause fills the auditorium. People are screaming and leaping to their feet. They have never seen anything like this, and they love it. The applause continues long after you leave the stage. They begin chanting Pedro's name. 

If the performance is a failure: 

Your performance ends. There is a moment of uncertain silence. It goes on longer than you'd like. "Boo!" comes a cry from the crowd. There are a few other "boo"s from across the auditorium, but they die out quickly as people begin to leave the auditorium, seemingly in a rush. You are left standing in the middle of the stage as everyone turns their back on you. 

If Trisha told the players not to do a dance to spare Summer, and the players did a dance that was more popular than Summer's, Summer bursts into tears and runs out of the auditorium. 

Feed Tina

That monstrous thing. She eats whatever you give her, she spits accurately and angrily, and she's rushed you at the fence more times than you can remember. The neighbors say she's not so bad, and Grandma even says she's a sweet animal, but you know the truth. And it's feeding time. You're at the fridge, and you have to decide: will she get a cheesy potato casserole, a hamsteak, or a plate of leftover scrambled eggs? 

The players must now deliberate over which food to give her. The choice makes no difference--Tina will aggressively try to get the food no matter what. When the players have selected a dish:

You near the fence. Tina can smell the food; she turns and faces you from the far side of the pen, then charges toward you. She doesn't slow until she's only feet from the fence, and comes sliding to a halt with mouth open, teeth gnashing. Her neck is inclined over the fence, and she is chomping violently to get the food. 

The players can now roll to feed Tina. They may roll a d6 and count 5 or higher as a success. A player may use the ability "Future Farmer of America" to feed Tina with 4 or higher being a success. A player may use "Bowstaff Skills" to feed Tina safely with a 4 or higher as a success. If the player has "Pocket of Tots," they can use one serving of tots to distract and safely feed Tina without a roll. Once Tina has been fed: 

She's consumed it all and is stalking around her pen as though she's looking for more. She spits in your direction, and it makes it further than you'd think, though not far enough to reach you. She makes eye contact and poops. 

Facing Uncle Rico and the Election Results

Once the players have completed all five of the tasks, it's time to head home. The results of the election will be announced in the morning, but until then, you must return home. 

"Alright, home late, I see," says Uncle Rico, sprawled across most of the couch. "Did you get out there and make some moolah like I asked?" 

If the players made money at the egg farm and didn't spend it campaigning for Pedro, they can give Uncle Rico the money. Whether the players have money or not: 

"Really? [Nothing?/Six bucks?/Ten bucks?] That's the best you can do? You're useless. Here I am, a perfect specimen of man, I could throw a football so hard it would knock your guts out your butt, and this is the best you can do?" 

You knew then that if you let Uncle Rico treat you like this, you'd never forgive yourself. You knew you had to shut Uncle Rico down. So you let him have it. 

The players now must insult Uncle Rico. A player may use "Sick Threads" via clothing, "Moon Boots" via dance, "Fine Artist" via an insulting drawing, "Bowstaff Skills" or "Friends in Low Rider" via intimidation; all of these require a 4 or higher to succeed. A success on one of these skills also lowers the threshold of success for the other rolls by 1 each. If the players mock Uncle Rico for not being good at football, he takes it especially personally and grants an additional +1 to any player's rolls. The players get three chances to shut down Uncle Rico--if they succeed on any of them, Uncle Rico has a meltdown (there is almost no chance that the players can't defeat Uncle Rico, but if they do, have him melt down because of the stress of arguing):

"I haven't been able to throw a football right in years," Uncle Rico sobs. "You're right, I'm not who I say I am. I'm just a thoroughly broken person who's too afraid to take getting better seriously." He stops crying for a moment and glances into the kitchen. "You think you could cook me up a 'feel better' steak?"

Hours later, you've dealt with Uncle Rico. You're lying down to bed. In the morning, it all plays out. It's hard to get to sleep with so much excitement, but you manage to nod off before too late. In the morning, the house is cleaned up, and Uncle Rico has left you a note: "Went to find a therapist. Good luck with the election. Go Pedro!" 

You make it to the school grounds. Everyone is chattering with the surprising turn of the election. Upstart Pedro giving shoo-in Summer a run for her money? Some people even say Pedro might win. 

All the students pile into the auditorium again. The principal of the school is standing at the podium with a sheet of paper he's studying with a puzzled look. Finally, he clears his throat and speaks. 

"We've gathered here to share the results of the election for student body president. And it was a squeaker. But--"

To finish the principal's sentence, choose the phrases that match what your players did (if they failed at everything, jump ahead to the narration below for Summer winning):

"But thanks to the campaign team's [hard work at local farms], [promotion of their candidate], [dedication to the craft of farming], [and/or] [incredible performance,] they managed to surprise everyone. Thanks to their hard work, our new student body president is Pedro Sanchez." Cheers go up from across the auditorium. Hats sail through the air. Pedro rises to his feet and makes his way to the stage.

"I'm so grateful. I promise, I will do everything I can to make Idago High the best school it can be. And like I said, now all your wildest dreams will come true." 

As he finishes speaking those words, a rumbling rocks the auditorium. Everyone recoils in shock as the floorboards of the stage rip open and a giant sword-wielding cyclops riding a liger emerges. It opens its mouth in a roar, but is crushed by an enormous snake which falls from the ceiling before it can make a sound. Nightmare creatures of all shapes and sizes fill the auditorium, and screams of terror erupt from every living soul trapped inside. 

On stage, Pedro smiles faintly. Blazing fires gleam in his eyes. He laughs to himself, and says, "Yes, and now all of my dreams have come true." 

THE END

There you have it. I'll grant to my regular readers that this one-shot is a bit more off the path than my usual one-shots, but it was more or less a necessity with this one. I try to work with movies whose plots are not strictly connected because it gives me more freedom to build a game around them, and Napoleon Dynamite is scarcely held together by any strict story, but it proved even more formless than the other movies I have chosen. As a result, I had to push a little harder to give it a cohesive form. I think it came out okay, and I hope you do too. 

That's all for now. Coming soon: mythology by culture in my homebrew world, how to develop places of interest in your worldbuilding, and a one-shot adapted from Snakes on a Plane. Until next time, happy gaming!

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