TRPG Courtesy Rules

The classic stereotype of TRPGs involves players of the game being antisocial goofballs who sit around in a basement. And while a lot of use are indeed goofballs in a basement, the stereotype is largely wrong. TRPGs are perhaps the most social games that we can play. And with that power comes responsibility: it is your job as the GM to look out for the social needs of your players. This guide will help you to anticipate your players' needs and give you the opportunity to provide a fun and balanced game for everyone at the table. 

To begin with, you want your players to be prepared for the game you're running. If your players are beginners to the game, use this guide for beginners. If they need more basic help, you can assist them with this guide to dice. If you're running a roleplaying-focused game, players can be helped with these guides to creating characters for roleplaying and to roleplaying at the table. It's vital that your players have the skills to succeed, or else they will spend the game unengaged and unsure what to do. Educating your players is the first step towards treating them well. 

Now let's move through a standard session, pointing out courtesy rules as we go. At the beginning of a session is socializing time. Players and GM alike spend time catching up, talking about games and life, checking in before getting down to the game. But not everyone is going to be able to share equally in this time. If you have a player in your group who doesn't know the other players as well, they might need some help getting to know the other players. You can pull them in by directing conversation to those players who get less time speaking. Ask open-ended questions about something you know the player is excited about, and point out things that this player has in common with the rest of the group. You as GM are the only person who will know everybody in the game, so use your position of power within the group to include everybody.

Likewise, you want to include everyone in the game as well. If you have a group of players who are very engaged with the game and who take a lot of actions, but you also have one player whose voice gets drowned out sometimes, deflect the focus onto that player's character at times. Create an in-game reason that NPCs take a special interest in this specific player character, or bestow a special mini-story on the player to jumpstart them. Think about it this way: the other players can't do anything about the marginalized player, and the marginalized player can't solve the situation themselves (or at least doesn't see how they can), so the only person who can address the problem is you as GM. Don't let your players get disconnected from the game or each other, but if you do see it happen, be ready to act to solve it. 

In roleplaying situations, the courtesy rule is to allow players to express themselves fully without restricting them beyond reason. I've addressed before how improvisation is the key to good roleplaying and storytelling, so you'll want to embody that. But you also want to watch for other players curtailing another player's roleplaying. If you have players who undermine each other in this way, address it either in- or out-of-game (in-game for first time offenses, out-of-game when it's a pattern). Remind them that everyone gets a chance to contribute and that even the most bizarre idea can be helpful. Most importantly, remind them that the most important thing at the table is that everyone has fun, so they cannot restrict the other player's fun unless it's causing game issues for everyone else. 

Likewise, in combat, people want to be able to do what seems like the best idea. If you have players who criticize each other's combat actions, you're dealing with a situation that can undermine player fun. Hopefully, you have built a cohesive party and this isn't an issue, but if it is, address it again either in-game or out-of-game, depending on how common the issue has become. The key idea here is that not everyone's fun in combat comes from completely destroying an enemy; some folks have more fun with a close fight that is rich with character moments. If this is your issue, communicate that fun is many-faced and that others' fun needs to be considered too; but you also have a compromise to make so that the combat experts get to have fun, too. I suggest granting them small bonuses in combat based on their careful strategy--this way they get to balance out the lessened damage from other player characters and feel even more empowered to do what they enjoy. 

With either roleplaying or combat, there's a chance that you'll have players who are highly opinionated about how the game should run. They may criticize or even heckle other players for making decisions that seem to the criticizing player to be obviously wrong. This is a small emergency. All players need to understand that TRPGs are a joint venture; it is a collection of people trying to work together to have fun. If the players get in the way of each others' fun, the game is a failure. Communicate to them that they must find a way to cooperate in the game. I don't think that a situation like this is inappropriate for delivering a bottom line, like "If we can't get this party to cooperate in a few sessions, I won't run the game anymore." Of course, during those sessions, you should do everything you can to bring the party together, but it's important that the players realize their good time is interconnected with the other players, and if it causes more frustration than joy, it can be better to let the game go. The possibility of losing the game will galvanize most players to meet you halfway. If it pushes your players further away, think of it as losing the complication that threatened your game. This can be delicate with friends involved, so use your best judgment, but remember that a game that isn't fun for everyone is a failure that needs to be resolved. 

An often-overlooked courtesy rule has to do with story developments. It's very common to think that you have described something exceptionally well only to discover your players don't understand it the way you wanted them to. You can tip the scales in your favor with these guides to describing combat, magic, critical rolls, and other details, but what can you do when the mistake is already made? It's simple: don't penalize your players for not understanding something. If there is a divide between your imagining of a scene and the players' imaginings of the same scene, it's not because the player or their character is failing at something. If the player character really existed and was in the scene you were describing, they would have a nearly perfect understanding of the situation. So if there's a disconnect, it's more than likely that either you failed to describe it accurately or that your player is struggling to connect your descriptions to an image of the gameworld. Let's break both of those options down: 

If you have failed to describe something adequately, there's little you can do after the fact once you've recognized the misunderstanding. In fact, the only real solution is to retcon. If a player truly did not grasp the meaning of their actions, and it seems reasonable that they would have acted differently if they knew the facts, let them change their actions. Even if it messes up your plans for the story, it's important to grant them the opportunity to act as they truly would have. If you don't, you are effectively telling your players that their agency in the game is less important than your having to move some details around to accommodate the change. That's not the kind of game you want to run, I assure you. If the misunderstanding and the corresponding action are less clear-cut, use your discretion; you can sometimes rationalize that a character behaved according to a momentary thought which wasn't entirely realized. The best guide for what to do is how the player feels about it. If they are adamant that their character would not have made the mistake they committed to, or if they seem reluctant to argue but unhappy about the result, retcon. If they're more entertained by the misunderstanding, move forward. Remember your goal is to make the players happy, so don't privilege your story over the people you're playing with. 

Then there's the possibility that the player is struggling to connect to your world. It may be that they're new to imaginative gaming like TRPGs, it may be that they're not paying enough attention to the game, and it may be that the player has a mental condition that precludes them from being totally present (ADHD, for instance). These options are quite broadly different, and yet they all have the same solution. Again, if it's a one-time issue or a rare occurrence, take an in-game moment to address it: "Is there anything I can do with my description to make it easier for you?" Players may or may not have good answers to this question, but you should have a better idea than previously what kind of solutions you might try. And it's a recurring issue, pull the player aside and address it directly: "I notice you're having a hard time keeping up with the story. Is something making it extra challenging? Do you have any ideas about how I can make it easier for you?" Notice that in both examples here, the emphasis is on solving the player's problem, not ours as GM. That's because solving the player problem effectively solves our GM problem as well. 

When you're getting into the later parts of a session, the question of when the session will end begins to arise. Many games run on a schedule; a game will last from one time on the clock to another time. But any campaign is likely to have shorter and longer sessions, depending on what happens that session. The decision to call a session is rarely a unanimous decision--you'll usually have a player or two who really wants to keep playing. But once one person really wants to end the session, it should be wrapped up as quickly as possible. Playing on when a player wants to leave is inconsiderate to that player, and I don't ever recommend playing without a player in a situation like this. It's better to pick up again later than exclude someone (especially someone who has a reason to stop playing for the session). 

Lots of TRPG sessions go pretty late into the night. Player sleepiness becomes an issue. If you as GM notice that a player seems sleepy, ask them if they're doing okay and offer to wrap things up for the night. Especially if you're meeting in person and your players need to drive home after the game, you don't want to give them an unsafe ride home just to game longer. (This goes for GMs too. As a GM who has fallen asleep mid-sentence on multiple occasions, I can attest that playing when you're exhausted will only leave regrets; let yourself game with your full wits about you next time and call it for now.)

Then there's the issue of intoxication. This is a house rule to be sure, but it's a delicate one. I played in a party years ago with a strict no-booze, no-drugs policy because the storytelling and roleplaying were so serious that intoxication could throw off the game. I also ran a game where every player brought either booze, cannabis, or both to every session; this party was more concerned with shenanigans than serious gaming. It all depends on what your party wants. You as GM have the final call; you can decide on a clean game, a game where everyone has a beer or two, or a wild game. But making this choice can be complicated. 

It's important to know before you decide intoxication rules how your players feel. For some GMs, this is easy--it's just a matter of your friends getting together and relaxing. For others, you'll be gathering people who are all strangers to one another, and they may have vastly different opinions of playing while intoxicated. Generally speaking, if you have one or zero people who are opposed to your house rule, you're fine. You can work with that one person to make them comfortable while everyone else gets what they want. If two or more people are opposed to your house rule, reconsider. Everyone should feel at home and comfortable with the process of playing, and drugs and alcohol are sensitive issues for some people. I defer again to the rule I named above for retconning: if the player has a strong emotional opinion about how things should be run, listen to them. If you're dealing with two people with strongly opposed emotional opinions, consider the positions of the rest of the party as well as your own preference, and make it clear to the minority opinion holder that it isn't a personal choice, simply the one that best serves the game. 

A final note about drugs and alcohol at the table: because they impair your self-awareness, you may not even notice that your GM skills are slipping due to intoxication. This has happened to me. I was running a session of my National Treasure campaign, which had a party of goofballs who brought booze and cannabis every session, and I was high. I like to be just a little bit high to GM things these days because it calms me down, inspires a bit of creativity, and slows my thought process enough to keep me from quickly saying the first (and not best) idea I have. But there are consequences. During this particular session, I had smoked enough that my memory of what had just happened became impaired. Around the fifth time I asked my players to remind me what I had just said, a player asked if we wanted to just reschedule the session for another time. I was crestfallen. I had let my desire to party with the players impact my ability to run the game. I always keep that in check now, afraid to ruin another session, and I recommend to any GM that you err on the side of sobriety unless you're certain you can handle yourself. Remember that if a player is intoxicated, it's like their character is intoxicated, but if you as GM are intoxicated, the whole world is drunk. 

Another note about courtesy rules: when you're planning your next session, be as respectful as possible to people's scheduling needs. At the end of a session, when the full weight of the story is pressing down on you, it will seem crucial to know when you're playing next. But in today's world, it is harder than ever to schedule a session. Be gentle with your players as they carve out time for you. And since life is complicated, send out reminder messages to your players a few days in advance of meeting. Something like "Looking forward to playing Friday at 7--is everybody still in?" works very well because it reminds your players gently about the next commitment and because it offers the ability to either confirm or guiltlessly ask to reschedule. You're not commanding an army platoon, you're running a game, and you should keep in mind that scheduling is something that unfortunately but almost unavoidably complicates the game. Be ready for it, work with your players, and you'll be ready to play before too long. 

And lastly, for players: your GM works hard. They spend considerable time working to give you a happy experience. They create worlds for you to inhabit and people for you to meet. They're doing more to create the game's experience than anyone else at the table. Appreciate them! Thank them for their work at the end of every session. Show your engagement, since it's the greatest reward most GMs can ask for. Even if you're not the world's biggest fan of your GM's style, recognize that there would be no game without them. Don't be afraid to offer help to the GM with things, and bringing snacks is a universal way to thank your GM for running the game. 

That's all for you. Hopefully you can keep your games respectful to everyone and have some fun with a better understanding of everyone's situation. Coming soon: the most important thing about tabletop games, how to design a campaign setting, and rules for my custom magic system. 

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