In any campaign that involves roleplaying, there is always the possibility that a player character will develop feelings for another character, be they an NPC or another player character. No matter the situation, an in-game romance can be very complicated. Romantic feelings are among the most delicate of human emotions, and they must be handled with care. Fortunately, it is possible to run the game so that characters can safely experience an in-game romance. It's a complicated situation, but with the right precautions, it can be a very positive experience.
The first thing you need to do is recognize when a romance is developing. If a player is unusually interested in another character, it's important to start watching for things heading in that direction. Lots of personal questions, light-hearted jokes, and intense interest are all signs that a character may be interested in another character. The biggest indication is sustained interest in a character. Most interactions in tabletop games will be over in a minute or two, but beyond that, you may have a romance developing.
What do you do once it seems like things are headed that way? Discuss it with the player(s) in question. My advice is generally to play things by ear until it is pretty clear that a player has romantic intentions. If you need to act now and can't delay things until you would have a chance to speak with the player directly, consider how the characters involved would act. This is where we need to start breaking things down.
If the character that the player is interested in is another player character, your job is to make sure everyone is comfortable. Pay close attention to how comfortable both players are. If either one, especially the object of affection, seems at all uncomfortable, address it out of game. "Are you okay with things going in this direction?" is a pretty simple and direct way to address this. If you think that the player you're asking might be uncomfortable saying "no" in front of the other player, ask them privately or via writing/text so that they can be honest. If they're okay with it, proceed and continue to monitor for discomfort. If they're not, diplomatically tell the other player to back off a bit. Something like, "Let's focus our attention on something that we're all a part of" could be a relatively easy way to get back on track.
If the character the player is interested in is an NPC, however, you need to approach things differently. For one, you need to gauge whether you are comfortable with playing out a romantic interaction. It's important to decide this early, because romantic interactions tend to beget more romantic interactions, so search your feelings and act accordingly. If you're comfortable playing a romantic storyline, proceed, but I advise against advancing the relationship beyond the player character's established pace until you've really developed the relationship. If you are not comfortable with it, gently let the player know that that's outside of your zone of comfort. A simple, "I'm not really comfortable roleplaying a romantic relationship" is plenty. Most any player will be able to accept this and move on.
Once you've committed to romantic interactions, it's time to develop them. Again, I recommend letting the player decide the pace of this; when they advance things, match them, and when they keep things as they are, stick with that level of intensity. Just as we add more of the things that players are interested in, we will match the players when it comes to these relationships. When a player interacts with their romantic interest, give them equivalent attention or less. Here is where it's especially important to talk to the player about what they want and expect from the relationship. Do they want someone to flirt with? Someone to commit to? Someone to genuinely talk to and open up to? Someone to be playful and humorous with? Asking these questions will tell you how to respond when the game is in session.
It's also important to regularly check in with the player or players with the romantic relationships. "Is this still going the way you want it to?" or "What's the next thing you'd like to see happen?" are good gauges for this. It's also worth checking in with the rest of the party about this, since they'll be watching this relationship as it unfolds. If it makes anyone uncomfortable to witness, it's time to curtail the romantic roleplay rather than make someone sit through something they aren't okay with.
This is especially a delicate issue if (as is often the case) members of the party are themselves in a real-world relationship. It should go without saying that if a player who is dating another player is in-game romancing an NPC, this could be very awkward for the person that player is dating. I bring this up in part because it happened in a game I ran, and I was very anxious about handling it. More on that later.
At a certain point, the romantic relationship between player character and NPC will face a situation that either destroys or escalates it. This may be your own dramatic manipulation or a natural consequence of something that happens in game. This is a delicate moment. As before, I generally recommend matching the player character. If the player character asks the NPC to take the relationship to the next level, the NPC should probably agree. The only circumstances under which I would recommend taking a step backward (or even ending the relationship) would be the player character in question has seriously offended the NPC in a predictable way or that the player character has seriously trivialized the relationship. Do not under any circumstances end the relationship because it would be dramatic. We are playing with delicate emotions here, and it would be irresponsible and unkind to hurt a player in that way without very good reason.
There is also the matter of romantic relationships progressing to a certain point. It is already asking a lot of the rest of the party to stand by while a specific player has the spotlight with their relationship; asking more of them can be asking too much. Getting into the sexual details of a relationship will almost always be asking too much. People have complicated and sensitive feelings about relationships and especially about sex--actually playing out a sexual encounter is an almost guaranteed way to make other players (or yourself) very uncomfortable. Unless literally every player at the table specifically requests to see such a scene played out (and you are very okay with it), there are essentially zero reasons to take things that far. Even if you assume your players would be okay with it, explicitly ask first in a way that allows players to respond privately to avoid pressuring people into it.
One final rule to keep in mind: if playing out a scene ever feels awkward, immediately address it. "Hey, that felt kinda weird for me" may be difficult to say if everyone else seems to be having fun, but relationships continue and progress, so it's only going to get worse if you don't address it. Tabletop games are most often team affairs, and everyone involved deserves the right to feel comfortable and safe. This also goes if you recognize that someone is feeling uncomfortable but not saying something. I'm comfortable claiming to be a bit uncomfortable myself (even if I'm fine) if I notice someone isn't speaking up for themselves.
I want to provide an example from my time as a GM that might cast some light on the advice I've given above. When I was DMing the podcast Listen Check, one player (who played Soren the ranger) began to grow interested in an NPC, Spurla the fighter. Soren began by first taking a specific interest in Spurla, then talking to her individually. After a session of very delicate interactions, Soren began to push things further. Soon, he was flirting with Spurla in a very clumsy way. By the end of the campaign, they were in a committed relationship, and the epilogue of the campaign included their setting out to explore the world together and start a family of their own.
Now, I made some decisions in this situation fairly well, and I made some decisions I regret. Because we were both podcasting our game and live-broadcasting it via the radio, I had reservations about asking direct questions about player comfort. This was a mistake. As I mentioned above, I have DMed a situation in which a player who is dating another player but romanced an NPC. This was the situation; my brother played Dewey the monk, and his partner played Soren. This meant that for much of the campaign, my brother had to quietly sit there as his partner flirted with an NPC I had made. I never talked to him about it. I was afraid to directly addressing the situation would cause more awkwardness. I regret this a lot. I should have talked with both my brother and his partner about the situation as soon as it became clear.
I also broke a rule I set out above: not advancing the relationship past the point of the player character's involvement. As Soren and Spurla's relationship became more serious, I observed that Spurla was more impulsive, whereas Soren was a very cautious person. I thought it would be interesting to see how Soren reacted if Spurla became more invested than he was. This proved to work out alright in the campaign--it created an interesting dramatic moment for roleplaying--but I also remember Soren's player being very emotionally affected by this. I am still concerned that I may have overwhelmed them. If I had it to do over again, I would have allowed Soren to be more the guide of the relationship like I advised above.
One last regret was that I didn't really stop to consider how comfortable I was with the situation. For the reason that I was roleplaying a romance with my future sister-in-law, I remember having trepidation. I also hadn't really had players who were interested in romantic relationships in-game before, so I wasn't exactly sure how to proceed. I think that if I were to go through the situation again, I might be more willing to assert my own boundaries and not go down that road. I would be willing to GM a romantic relationship now with more experience and emotional peace than I had, but back then, I was in something of a grey area as far as comfort goes.
I am happy with some things, however. I had entered the campaign with no real consideration for a romantic relationship developing, but I had to admit that it added a really nice emotional angle to the show. I had cooked up a pretty dark and overwhelming set of storylines for the show, and the bright spot that was Soren and Spurla really lightened the tone of the show at important points. This pleasant surprise was an excellent addition to the story we told together.
I also enjoyed the way that a romantic relationship revealed new dimensions of the characters in the story. We learned the Soren was quite the sappy romantic, but I also got to see Spurla's more emotional side, which I had largely hidden as part of her largely private nature. Even though the romantic relationship was a delicate thing that needed to be nurtured and guarded, it made the game more complex and interesting.
My final word on the matter is that romantic relationships in-game are not just a matter of skill or a natural side-effect of playing; rather, they are delicate balances that we strike only when everyone involved is comfortable with them. I hope that it goes without saying that you should never start a romantic relationship as an NPC with a player--only respond to them. The success of any game depends on everyone being as comfortable and happy as possible, and navigating such delicate matters as romantic relationships deserves genuine care and attention.
That's all for now. Coming soon: how to react when players think of something you missed, how to deal with making a mistake, and a branching narrative mystery one-shot. Until next time, happy gaming!
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