One of the most iconic movies by some of the most iconic filmmakers is the Coen brothers' The Big Lebowski. It is eminently quotable, full of memorable characters, and marked by surprises. The movie itself follows a loose plot about a mix-up between two men both named Jeffrey Lebowski, and that plot is strayed from again and again to share the strange antics of the Dude and his friends. This one-shot follows a team of players, all named Lebowski, who must navigate the bizarre world of the movie and achieve the Dude's goal of getting his rug back (it really tied the room together). Read on for the full one-shot.
Rules
A player of this one-shot must choose two skills from a list of six. Those skills will allow the player to increase their odds of success on specific actions. Here is the list of skills:
- Zen Outlook: When situations are tense, your character does not lose their composure. When others might lose their cool, you can roll a d6 and calm as many people as the result of the roll.
- Service in 'Nam: When situations are tense, your character takes control. When someone else opposes your actions, you can roll a d6 and intimidate them with a roll of 4 or higher.
- Out of Your Element: When someone speaks, you can frustrate them into saying more than they meant to. When they speak, you can roll a d6 and cause them to overcommunicate with a roll of 4 or higher.
- Nihilist: When situations are tense, your character resists being drawn into conflict. When someone challenges your character, you can roll a d6 and become immune to the number of arguments on the roll.
- Experimental Artist: Where others see the same thing, your vision shows you something different. When someone asserts a fact or idea, you can roll a d6 and overrule their argument with something else with a roll of 4 or higher.
- Sarsaparilla Aficionado: When the going gets tough, you can change the story. When the GM describes a scene, you can roll a d6 and change one word of the description with a roll of 5 or higher.
The One-Shot
[narration in italics]
[narrate in Sam Elliott voice] Well, sometimes the sun goes up like the world ain't never seen it set, and sometimes the sun goes down like nothing ain't happened that day worth casting light on. But then there are some days, days where everything you thought you knew comes into clean focus, days where you think you know that there even is a sun at all but you can't be too sure. Funny thing, I once knew a whole group of folks who, between sunup and sundown, experienced whole story like you wouldn't believe, sun or otherwise. Would you believe that there's a bowling team, official league play and all that, where every single member of the team is named Lebowski? A whole little crew of Lebowskis, just rolling like the sun didn't have no say in the matter. And even stranger still, all them Lebowskis shared an apartment, an apartment with little steps up to the door and a nice rug that really ties the living room together. And one night after a few games of bowling with their pals Walter and Donny, these Lebowskis head on home, and that's where this story really starts.
You enter your apartment. It's just as you left it, a little messy but livable, and it looks like one of your Lebowskis forgot to turn off the turntable--the needle just keeps scratching against a Creedence records. You settle in, make a few White Russians, and settle in for a jay. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, followed by a few loud thumps. The door hinges burst off the frame, the door slams down onto the floor, and in the doorway stand a couple of huge thugs.
"Lebowski!" they yell out. "Dunno which of you Lebowskis have our money, but we're gonna get it." They storm into the apartment, start knocking things off the walls, and hold [one specific player]'s head in the toilet. "Where's the money, Lebowski?! Where's the money, Lebowski?" The demand for the money continues, and you are at a loss. How could your humble apartment make you seem like a rich enough person to be shaken down?
Give the players a moment to respond to the thugs. If they can change the thugs' minds, they say, "Fine, Lebowski. Keep your secrets. We know about your wife. We'll be back." At this point, they should leave, but not before it's clear that the thugs are looking for some other Lebowski, someone very wealthy. If they can't change the thugs' minds, the thugs say, "We know you're the real Lebowski, Lebowski. We know all about your wife and the money she owes. We'll be back."
On their way out the door, the thugs stop. The taller one of them unzips his fly and begins to urinate on your rug. The nice one. "Later, Lebowskis!" the thugs call out and step out the door. You try to relax, but it's hard to do so after a home invasion. Haltingly, you manage to fall asleep. You dream of bowling pins and elaborate dance numbers. You wake with scenes of bowlers tearing up the lanes in your head. It's a new day.
Off to the bowling alley to meet with Donny and Walter. The lanes are pretty open; mornings are just for the dedicated bowlers. You see Donny and Walter sitting behind the scorecards on a lane halfway down the alley and head over to them.
"All I'm saying," says Walter, "is if the American people think that grocery stores are mob fronts, they're either right or wrong. Either grocery stores are just innocent little places to get sustenance, or they're the home base of operations for the greatest crime syndicate of our great nation's history!"
"You mean cause grocery stores sell pasta and sausages and stuff?" asks Donny.
"Donny! You're out of your element. Shut your mouth," replies Walter. He looks up at you. "Hey, it's the rest of our team. How's it going, Lebowskis?"
The players can now speak with Donny and Walter. Both of them will understand most of what the players mean, but will change the subject to something tangentially related. If the players don't mention the break-in, have Donny politely ask what the Lebowskis' evening was like. When the players mention that they were attacked the previous night:
"That's not right, man," says Walter. "I mean, just some people spending time peacefully in their own homes, not doing nothing to mess with anybody. And that rug really tied the room together. You know what you gotta do, though." Walter's eyes gleam maniacally. "You go find this other Lebowski, the one who has the money. You get him to replace your rug, maybe even reimburse you for your distress. There's legal precedent, you know."
"Isn't every President legally elected?" asks Donny.
"Donny, for the last time, you need to shut your mouth before I shut it for you. We're talking about setting a standard here." He turns back to you. "C'mon, go talk to this other Lebowski. What could it hurt?"
The players may now decide to go speak with the big Lebowski. When they arrive:
An ever-smiling man greet you at the door. "Hello, everyone. I understand you have business with Mr. Lebowski. What did you say your names were?"
The players introduce themselves.
"Oh, how fantastical and delightful! More Lebowskis! Mr. Lebowski is almost ready to see you. Let me show you his numerous awards." He steps in the direction of a wall covered in plaques, photographs, and even an enormous key. But before there can be any explanation of these awards and honors, you hear an angry cry from the back of the house.
"Brandt! I need an update! Come here immediately!"
Brandt blushes. "He's a very busy man, you know. This way!" He leads you down a series of hallways that terminate in a large office. The chair behind the desk is turned away from you, facing the window. The same voice from moments ago sounds from the chair.
"Brandt, can you please tell me if you have heard from the kidnappers?" He rotates himself in his wheelchair and sets eyes on you. "Oh, a guest! Why didn't you say something, Brandt?"
Brandt blushes again and mutters something about not wanting to disturb him.
The big Lebowski faces you and runs his temples. "So what business do you have that's so important it must interrupt my search for my wife?"
The players can now explain their situation to the big Lebowski. Once they have communicated the break-in and the damage to the rug:
"I hardly see how this is my issue, and I have a more pressing matter to deal with. My wife has been kidnapped and is being held hostage. We've received a ransom note. I suppose that if you acted as my courier to deliver the money, I could reimburse you for your rug and for your time."
The players may mull things over and negotiate with the big Lebowski. Ultimately, he will insist that the payment be one rug and $20,000 so long as the players safely deposit the money.
"Before you go, Lebowskis," says the big Lebowski, "you must know this: her life is in your hands." Brandt looks solemnly at you. "Her life is in your hands," he repeats, and then again, together this time: "Her life is in your hands."
Brandt leads you out of the grand house and back to the street. You see Walter's car pulled up to the curb, Walter sitting inside cleaning a disassembled handgun. You notice that a handful of pedestrians on the street have noticed Walter and his firearm and are hesitant to walk anywhere near the car. Walter looks up and notices you.
"Lebowskis!" he calls out from the car. "How'd it go?"
The players may explain the situation to Walter. If they do not explain the full scope of things, make Walter get suspicious and insist he get the full picture. Once Walter knows what is happening:
"Okay then, let's go do the exchange." With a mischievous look on his face, he pulls away from the curb and begins to drive to the bridge that the big Lebowski described.
You drive for a while, mostly in silence. Walter is in one of his focused moods that it's better to not interrupt. "Alright, we throw the bag out the window when we cross the bridge," he says, and reaches into the backseat of the car. He pulls up a leather bag overflowing with underwear. "Here's the dummy," he says, and prepares to throw the bag out the window.
The players may now act to interfere with Walter's plan if they choose. If their challenges are failed or they allow Walter to throw the dummy bag, then the bag is received by the hostage takers, who leave immediately. If the players manage to stop Walter and throw the real briefcase, the hostage takers leave with the money. There will be no difference later on, as the hostage takers will either be angered by the bait-and-switch or pretend not to have gotten the money in a ploy to get more money.
Once the hostage takers have left:
"Well, all we can do now is wait," says Walter. "Let's go tell the other Lebowski about the exchange." Walter takes a U-turn past the bridge and heads back the way you came. Walter chatters excitedly about how the hostage takers don't know who they're messing with, and that 'Nam taught him exactly how to deal with people like these. Soon, you're back at the big Lebowski's house. Walter waits in the car.
Brandt welcomes you into the house and hurries you back to the big Lebowski's office. He is sitting in his chair, fingers tented, looking very agitated. "We have received a call," he says. "The kidnappers said that the case they received had no money. What have you done? Her life was in your hands!"
The players may now explain themselves. If they acknowledge that the bag was the dummy bag, the big Lebowski grows furious--jump to the narration below. If they insist that the bag was the real bag (whether it was or not), the big Lebowski does not believe them. Once the players have made their case:
"You obviously are not taking this seriously," says the big Lebowski. "Well, here's something that I hope will open your eyes!" Brandt steps forward and hands you a piece of gauze. You unwrap the gauze, unraveling the winding cloth again and again until, resting inside, you find a severed pinky toe.
"Who knows what part of her we'll receive next?!" cries the big Lebowski. "I will not be honoring our end of the deal anymore since you haven't either. You can find the money and rug you want on your own." With that , the big Lebowski rotates his chair away from you, and Brandt hurries you back down the hallway and out of the house.
Walter is still sitting in the car when you return. "How'd it go?" he asks cheerfully.
The players may now explain the situation. When they reveal that the big Lebowski won't help them anymore:
"Well that's his loss. You gave him the opportunity do right by your poor rug, and he acted like a pacifist. Do nothing and hope for the best. [barfing sound] You know, we can still get that money, probably enough to buy a rug that'll tie the room together. I looked around your car while you were in there and found a graded paper from some kid named Larry Sellers. I bet he's the one who ended up with the money. I already got his address. Let's go."
Walter drives your car across town and parks in a quiet suburb. He eyes a red sports car parked in front of one of the houses. "That house is Larry Sellers' house, the one with the brand new car," says Walter. "Let's go get your money."
Walter exits the car, strides across the street, and knocks on the door of the humble house with the sports car out front. "Larry!" he yells. "Larry Sellers! You get out here now and nothing bad will happen!" In the window of the house, a young teenage boy looks out at you and Walter, then closes the curtains. Walter notices this and becomes enraged. "Okay, if that's how you want to play it!" He strides back to the car and pulls out a tire iron, which he uses to demolish the sports car. "You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?" He bashes the car again and again, until suddenly a man in a bathrobe comes running out of the house next door and stops Walter from swinging the tire iron again. He manages to steal the tire iron from Walter and sets to bashing your car into oblivion.
The players must now defuse the situation. Placating the car owner will work well, as will agreeing to pay for the car's repairs (even if that is an empty promise). Once the situation is handled:
"Wow, what are the odds?" says Walter. "Someone steals your money and their neighbor is the one with the brand new ride? Only in today's America." He gets back into your now demolished car. "At least he didn't smash up your tape deck or the Creedence." The ride out of the suburbs is tense and quiet, one of the few times that Walter recognizes it's better to leave things be.
He pulls into a parking space at the bowling alley. "Let's get a drink," he says. He leads the way inside, starts talking to a few fellow bowlers, and is soon separated from you. You take a seat at the bar next to a man dressed strikingly as a cowboy. He turns, raises a bottle of sarsaparilla, and greets you. "How's it going, Lebowskis?"
The players may respond however they wish; the cowboy is sympathetic and reserved, but seems to know them already.
"You know," he says after a moment, "I get the feeling you're having a run of bad luck. I mean, when was the last time you caught a break? Maybe all this trouble you've been finding yourself in is no fault of your own. The world can be cruel for no real reason. That's why it's important that we change the things that don't serve us." He takes a long drink from the sarsaparilla, raises an index finger to order another, and sighs deeply. "What I'm saying is this, Lebowskis: why not cut your losses? Better to lose a rug than to lose something that can't be replaced." He gives you a long, meaningful look, takes another long pull from the bottle of sarsaparilla, and nods. "Good luck out there, Lebowskis."
Walter joins you at the bar with a hurried look on his face. There is a growing commotion behind him. "We gotta go," he says somberly. He adjusts the handgun shoved into his waistband, slams a half-drunk beer on the bar, and rushes out the door.
Walter speeds out of the parking lot and drops you at your apartment. "Later!" he shouts, and the car peels out. You turn and walk into your apartment. You go to lock the door, but before you can twist the bolt closed, the door bursts open, sending you reeling backwards. Three men stand in the doorway, all dressed in black. They have expressionless faces and a small creature on a leash. You recognize it as a marmot.
"Where's the money, Lebowski?!" the leader shouts. Behind him, a dopey-faced man says, "Oh, we are nihilists." The slightly less dopey man to his right nods. "Yes, we believe in nothing." The leader holds the marmot over you menacingly. "Now where is the money?"
The players must now deal with the nihilists. If the party can confuse or outsmart the nihilists, they leave the apartment, frustrated. If the party points out the believing in nothing means that money is worthless, they immediately leave, talking about how they thought they were nihilists but seem to be wrong. If the party can't defuse the situation, the nihilists let the marmot scurry over the players, leaving only after insisting that the party bring them the money.
The nihilists leave. You idle in your apartment for a minute, trying to remember what things were like yesterday, before all of this craziness happened. As you reach for your glass of White Russian and a jay you forgot you rolled, there's a knock on the door. Cracking it open, you see it's Donny. He looks through the cracked door and lifts up a white paper bag. "I got In-n-Out!" he says with a smile.
You usher Donny in. He takes a seat on your couch and hands you a burger. "It must be tough, Lebowskis," he says. "Walter counts on you so much, and you've had such a rough day today. I hope some fries help." He smiles meekly and extends a hand with a box of starchy fries inside. The two of you eat quietly, the sound of Creedence playing faintly in the background.
There's another knock on the door. A well-manicured older gentleman is standing outside wearing a business suit. When you open the door for him, he extends a hand. "Jackie Treehorn," he says. "I hear you're an associate of Lebowski's. Uh, the other Lebowski, I mean. I believe that you have lost an important briefcase. I've come to see if this is the one you're missing." He swings his arm around from behind his back and reveals a briefcase unlike the one you were given by the big Lebowski or the dummy bag that Walter had.
The players may now react to Treehorn. If they accept the bag, he offers celebratory drinks--cut to the narration below. If they refuse the bag, he offers consolation drinks. If the players open the bag before Treehorn leaves, they discover that it is full of stacks of plain white paper, cut into the shape of dollar bills, depicting an obscene drawing of a man on each and every slip of paper. If the contents of the bag are discovered, Treehorn abruptly leaves without further explaining anything. No matter how the scene plays out, make sure that Treehorn makes a round of drinks for everyone.
You take a sip of the White Russian that Jackie Treehorn has made you. It's fantastic--creamy, smooth, and just the right amount of bite. You down most of it in a few long swigs. Meanwhile, Donny is quickly drinking a Cherry Coke that Treehorn gave to him. You begin to feel tired.
Moments later, you awaken on the living room floor. There used to be a rug here, a really good one, one that really tied the room together. Now it's just cold wooden flooring. You struggle to your feet, still hazy after the drugs that Treehorn must have put in your drinks. Donny is passed out on the couch in an uncomfortable position. You start toward him but are interrupted by a knock on the door.
Walter stands on your stoop. "Lebowskis, have you seen Donny?"
The players may respond however they wish, but:
Walter pushes his way into your apartment. He sees Donny on the couch and looks confused. "I got a message from his heart monitor," Walter says, a deadly serious look on his face. "It said it's turned off." He steps over to Donny, places two extended fingers on his neck, and waits. "He's gone, Lebowskis."
- - - - -
It's two days later. You've just returned home from the rug store. With Walter's help, you managed to find one that looks sharp, one that catches the eye, one that really ties the room together. Its intricate design reminds you of the old rug, which might be its best feature. Walter is sitting with you in your living room, admiring the new rug.
"So, I stopped by the morgue earlier and I picked up Donny's ashes. I thought we would go spread them on the coast. He woulda liked that." He reaches into a brown leather bag at his side. A few pairs of underwear go spilling out the top when he reaches inside, and soon, he is holding a Folgers can. "This is him, Lebowskis. Our good ol' Donny. What a good kid. You know," he says, running his finger along the edge of the coffee can, "I think that maybe I gave him too hard a time. He wasn't the brightest, but he was a good kid. Maybe if--"
The can slips out of Walter's grip. The lid comes unsealed and flops to the ground as the can spins in the air, sending ashes everywhere. A few seconds later, Donny's ashes are mostly worked into the threads of the rug--the ashes that aren't covering you directly. The rug looks old and sad now, and truth be told, it no longer really ties the room together.
That's all for now. Coming soon: a list of superstitions in my homebrew world, how to create ripple effects from player actions, and a complete story-based dungeon. Until next time, happy gaming!
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