Parenting by Culture in My Homebrew Setting

In my never-ending quest to define every element of life in my homebrew setting, I have set upon yet another frontier--what is parenting like in my world? I've been thinking lately about how much a difference parenting makes in the life of a person, and it seems strange to me that it's so rarely depicted or discussed in tabletop games. So often, characters' backstories posit that they've lost their family, perhaps tragically or through some terrible misunderstanding. But for storywriting and roleplaying, a character's family--especially their parenting--matters a lot. In the past, I've done fairly deep exploration of the relationships my characters have had, and it's really enriched my experience. So, for this article, I'll be going in-depth on each of my setting's eight dominant cultures attitudes and practices of parenting. This may help players in future campaigns to better imagine their characters and where they come from, and it will also help me better understand my own work. So let's get started. 

Daltoners - Daltoners almost exclusively marry for the purpose of childrearing. They tend to get married young and have children frequently. Though there certainly are Daltoner families with 2-4 children, most Daltoners have (and strive for) closer to 6-10 children. Most Daltoners on Evanoch claim that this practice comes from the high child mortality rate on the home island of Dalton; families would have many children to end up with an average-sized family. But on Evanoch, where life is markedly better, the result has been larger families. Other groups have argued that part of this tendency to have many children is part of Daltoners' cultural ideology of imperialism--more children means more people who believe what the Daltoners believe. Children tend to be viewed as both a familial legacy and a source of labor. Daltoner men are expected to be their children's primary teachers, and women are expected to provide most of the rest of the childrearing work. 

In terms of parenting style, Daltoner parents tend to be both somewhat controlling and very authoritarian. Most Daltoner parents guide their children to live with the same values and ideas as their culture, and this is performed aggressively. Many Daltoner children are punished for not adhering to Daltoner customs, often with corporal punishment. Daltoner parents tend to think of hitting their children as a corrective measure which helps the child to better behave. Daltoner children are instilled with values such as obedience, politeness, and diligence. Daltoner parents address their children as inferiors and are often heard making sarcastic remarks about their children. Sibling rivalries between Daltoner children tend to be fierce, as their parents often pit the children against each other. 

Faninites - Faninites regard having and raising a child as an endeavor that requires serious attention and which provides enormous joy. Faninites' belief that childrearing is such an important task leads them to have relatively few children--most Faninite families have 1-2 children, and almost never more than 3. Faninites say that this is so that they can guarantee complete focus on their children without being distracted. Because Faninites take this responsibility so seriously, they sometimes wait until later in life to have children so that their situation will be more stable and they will have more wisdom to offer. Other groups tend to look at Faninites as being overly precious with their children from time to time, but most people agree that Faninites tend to have the happiest families. Faninite children are viewed by their parents as complete, distinct individuals who are especially vulnerable. Faninite fathers are expected to do the majority of childrearing activities, but in most Faninite households, the share of work is fairly evenly split. 

As parents, Faninites are very careful to walk the middle path between providing support and guiding and trying to exert control. Faninite parents tend to instill values in the child that will unquestionably serve them as the grow--values like compassion, willingness to work, and self-awareness--but they also try to help their children to learn more about and practice the values that the child discovers and is interested in. Faninite parents will only object to their children's choices when the child does something that could harm themselves or someone else, and only then by questioning the child's thinking and helping them reevaluate the situation. These parents address their children as essentially adults, even from infancy, and always adopt a very compassionate and patient tone. (When a Faninite behaves thoughtlessly or impatiently, other Faninites sometimes say that "they are not ready to be a parent yet" as a way of acknowledging the behavior.) When a Faninite child does have a sibling or siblings, they are encouraged to rely on one another, and these relationships are noted as being powerfully strong throughout the lives of the growing Faninite child. 

Dwarves - Dwarves think of childrearing as a task that matters to dwarven society, thereby making it their responsibility to contribute to dwarvenkind; they also think of having children as being a chance for economic prosperity. Because dwarves have historically been organized by clans, familial pride is very important, and legacy is a prized thing for dwarves. Dwarves are highly individual about the size of their families, as this was usually determined by clan (and thereby how many people could be supported by the clan). This established customs for the various clans, and so there are a few groups worth noting: the Cave Dwarves (so named for the caves rather than carved homes they lived in) who tend to have 1-3 children, the Carved Dwarves (so named for the early carved homes of Underhar) who usually have 2-5 children, and the Chief Dwarves (so named for the early ancestors who helped found Underhar) who mostly have 4-6 children. Non-dwarves tend to view dwarves as being emotionally detached from their children, in part because emotional attachment to children is not culturally prized for dwarves. Dwarven children are viewed by their parents as potential--potential to financially support the parents, to uplift (or tarnish) the family name, to become a person of note. The vast majority of childrearing work is performed by dwarven women; dwarven men mainly contribute in the form of discipline.

As parents, dwarves tend to encourage their children to follow in the footsteps of ancestors rather than walk a new path. Most dwarves perform the same trade that their parents did for their entire lives, living in the same neighborhood they grew up in, talking to their same friends from childhood. Dwarven parents instill values such as tradition, honor, and directness--the same things that would be required for the growing dwarf to become a model citizen in dwarven society. Because dwarves are so attached to the "proper" ways of doing things, they tend to pressure their children into behaving as the parent sees fit, keeping many young dwarves from exploring their own interests. Dwarven parents talk to their children as superiors to inferiors; dwarves argue that their children are dependent on them, creating that dynamic naturally. Dwarven siblings tend to be close as children and grow apart as adults; as children, their siblings are just about the only source they have for companionship and emotional connection, but by the time they are adults, most dwarves have been acculturated with their society's detachment, and the relationships fade.

Orcs - Orcs view childrearing as the single greatest purpose of domestic life, and orcs who have committed to raising a family view it with the utmost solemnness. On the dangerous island of Grob, where orcs originate, raising a child to adulthood is a serious feat, and because orcs care so deeply for their children, keeping them safe becomes a vital pursuit for orcish parents. Orcs tend to have 2-3 children during their lifetimes, though in two periods of orcish history, there was a cultural push to have larger families to replenish orcish communities after costly wars with the elves. Outsiders to orcish society tend to entirely misunderstand the nature of orcish parent-child relationships; because showing emotion other than anger is generally frowned upon in orcish society, the compassion in orcish parental relationships is kept private, and as a result, outsiders only see parents and children being very serious and detached in public. Orcish parents look at their child in a complicated fashion: children are extensions of the parent, a hope for the future, and as complex beings in their own right (but beings who are fundamentally unknowable). This combines into a sense of awe surrounding children. Both orcish men and women take important and interchangeable roles in childrearing. 

Orcish parents consider it their job to teach their children the vital skills of survival, leaving the rest of their children's interests up to them. Views of what these vital skills consist of vary between individuals--many orcs who live in their homeland still teach hunting and first aid skills early in life, of course along with multiple styles of combat, but orcs who have moved to cities across Evanoch now teach other skills like bargaining and crafts to sell, with combat remaining a component of the education. Orcs instill values such as curiosity, awareness, and diplomacy in their children. This is surprising to some Evanines, who see orcs as angry and warlike--however, anger is only expressed by orcs when diplomacy has failed. Orcish parents allow their children to experiment and make mistakes so long as they will be safe, and they nearly always support their children when the children express interests that the parents themselves do not personally understand. Orcish siblings share intense relationships; they often experience fierce sibling rivalries that are misunderstood as genuinely antagonistic by outsiders, but they also enjoy incredibly loyal and supportive friendships. 

Elves - Elves view childrearing as a difficult and trying obligation. Because elves live to such exceptionally late ages, the practical reality is that they could quickly overpopulate the continent if they had children as regularly as other groups. This has resulted in a cultural practice of being very selective about having children. Over the course of an elf's lifetime, it is expected that they will have no more than three children in a lifetime, with the most respected number being two. The general guideline that elves observe and share with one another is that it is appropriate to have a child once ever three hundred or so years. Some renegade elves have raised larger families, but this carries a heavy price of social exclusion. At the same time, elves know that not having children could mean the dwindling away of the elves, and so they observe the obligation to mate at least once in a lifetime. Elven parent-child relationships tend to be very businesslike. Elven parents address their children as adults, and they expect adult behavior and responses from their children. Emotions are spoken around rather than about--elven parents focus on practical solutions in this regard. Elven parents look at their children as unformed people, almost as clay that can be formed into something valuable--raising a child who grows into a respected elf is considered a great honor, and in fact, many elves view the child's successes as attributable to their parent. Elves expect mothers to do most childrearing work when the child is young, and then gives an increasing amount of responsibility to the father until they are primarily caring for the elven child as a young adult. 

Elves knows that they can pursue a great many things during their long lives, so they tend to work harder to expose their children to as many possibly pursuits as opposed to specializing in a few. As a result, elven education at home and in early stages at elven schools is much more about breadth than depth--an elven child might be exposed to every topic one might study at Mishara University before being expected to hold their first job. Elves instill values such as individuality, reflection, and genuineness in their children; these values are crucial in elven society, but they also make the parenting experience easier. Elven parents tend to be facilitators more than leaders--with the wealth of elven experts, elven parents tend to think of themselves more as people who are responsible for connecting their children with the right teachers. Elves mostly do genuinely care about their children, but the stereotype of elves among outsiders is that elves seem to feel stuck with their children. It would be closer to the truth to say that elves feel that they are (philosophically, at least) unable to be ideal parents, so they go about it with a kind of caution. Elven siblings are rarely very close since they are rarely had close together, but once elven siblings are both adults, they tend to become fairly supportive of one another. 

Half-elves - Half-elves tend to have very mixed feelings about childrearing. Because half-elves are social outcasts among many of their elven and human ancestors, the idea of having children who would themselves be outcasts is a difficult thing to face. Many half-elves choose not to have children at all, and those who do are very cautious about the process. There is a notable trend of adoption in the half-elven community. When half-elves do have children, they tend to have 1-2 children. Half-elven parents take on protector roles, trying to save their child from experiencing anything harmful. This results in half-elven parents who range from vigilant caretakers to hovering worriers. Most half-elven parents speak to their children both gently and directly; they emphasize trust in the parent-child relationship. Half-elven parents perceive their children as a responsibility, but with a positive connotation--someone that they get to take care of. In half-elven relationships, parental responsibilities are delegated based on capability and availability. This means that tasks can be assigned in different ways between families, and it is accepted that whatever is best for the child is more important than tradition.

Half-elves largely teach their children the same things that their ancestors did: from the Faninites, half-elves gain a balanced approach to gently guiding their children, and from the elves, they find an interest in exposing their children to many ideas and pursuits. This means that the children of half-elves are highly centered people, as they have been raised to be. Half-elves often instill the values of creativity, understanding, and self-sufficiency--this makes their children especially inclined to live nomadic and independent lifestyles. Half-elves love their children, but they often try to not let their emotions about their children overwhelm them and distort their thinking; this leads to affectionate but reserved parent-child relationships. When half-elven parents have more than one child, they encourage the children to form a bond, but place more emphasis on learning to be self-sufficient, so most sibling relationships in half-elven families are fairly restrained.

Gnomes - Gnomes have few defining trends when it comes to childrearing, but they do generally agree that raising children is an act that isn't as hard as other groups believe it to be. This is due in part to their method of childrearing (more later). Gnomish families range widely in size--some gnomish families have a child or two, and others have as many as twelve. When gnomes are parents, they tend to view their role as that of provider--they do what they can to ensure that the children are safe, fed, and healthy. Their role more or less ends there, however; gnomes believe that children should largely learn about the world by discovering it themselves. Due to societal views on the importance of enjoying one's pursuits, gnomish parents tend to let their children decide what to discover for themselves. As a result, many outsiders to gnomish society see gnomish parents as absentees who ignore their children. Gnomish parents would counter that they are preventing their children from being forced into a life they don't want to lead and allowing them to learn naturally. Gnomish parents view their children as curiosities to be protected, not unlike an especially unique gadget. In gnomish relationships, men are expected to do most of the work with occasional support for their partners, while women are expected to become more involved with financial work; however, because childrearing is so minimal among gnomes, this does not amount to much work for either on the whole.

Gnomes do teach things to their children when the children seek them out for advice and education. There is a certain social prestige for gnomish parents who are asked by their child to learn their trade; this prestige increases is the child turns out to be talented, especially more talented than the parent. Despite the value of this prestige, gnomes still resist the impulse to try to inspire interest in their own pursuits. Gnomish parents often instill the values of ingenuity, individuality, and thrift. The combination of these values usually leads to young gnomes who are especially interested in financial prosperity, leading to the stereotype among outsiders that gnomes are greedy. Gnomes are somewhat similar in regarding their children as they are in regarding their pets--they do care about them, but they express that affection indirectly through providing things for the child. Gnomish parents who dearly care about their children often give thoughtful gifts, but don't really say that they care with words. Gnomish siblings are as various as gnomish families in general, but there are three general groups of sibling relationships: 1 - the incredibly closely-bonded siblings who discover the world together, 2 - the competitive siblings who use one another as a benchmark for success, and 3 - the siblings who entirely ignore one another in favor of their own experiences.

Halflings - Halfling attitudes about childrearing are deeply influenced by the halfling cultural belief that people should be self-dependent. So extreme is this belief that halfling childrearing is perceived by outsiders are bizarre and sometimes as barbaric. Having a child, then, means taking care of a being that is inherently not self-dependent. Halfling feelings about this conflict are complicated, but generally, halflings agree that occasionally enduring childrearing is worth it. Halflings tend to have 1-3 children over the course of their lives. Halfling parents tend to assume the loose role of teaching the child as much as they reasonably can before the child, between the ages of ten and fifteen, is abandoned to make a life on its own. This is performed so that the child will adapt and learn to be self-sufficient; it is also out of respect for halfling parents, who often want to focus on their own lives once they have raised their child. Halfling parents range from considering their children to be burdens to seeing them as a trial that potentially benefits the world. Halfling custom dictates that the mother in the relationship, as the leader in the halfling matriarchal society, be solely responsible for raising the child; the male halfling is not afforded the trust to succeed at childrearing. It is expected that the mother terminate her relationship with the father until the child has been raised and abandoned.

When a halfling mother begins to teach her child how to be self-sufficient, she focuses on practical skills; most every halfling child can cook, sew, hunt, and produce crafts by the age of five. Other commonly taught skills in halfling homes include tanning, herbalism, safe foraging, calligraphy, and basic agriculture. Most every halfling mother teaches her children her trade, and a sizable portion of halfling parents train their children in stealth and ranged combat. Because halflings are so physically vulnerable, they try to counteract that with their own threats. Halfling mothers offer values as varied as they themselves, but in general, they teach their children to depend only on themselves, to look for opportunities and exploit them, and to be skeptical of what others have to say. These cultural beliefs are not very well known outside of halfling society, especially since halflings generally adopt highly cheerful demeanors in social situations, which obscures a good deal of how cynically they can view the world. Despite the harshness of halfling family relationships, many halfling mothers do genuinely care about their children; most express that sentiment to their children in private, though not in public. Halfling mothers are often regarded with mixed feelings by adult halflings, as the memory of being abandoned during childhood leaves many with complicated emotions. Halfling siblings are all but nonexistent, as there is a cultural taboo on having more than one child at a time (the belief being that it takes immense focus to perform it correctly with only one child, so it is self-defeating to unnecessarily divide your attention). On the few occasions that halflings have more than one child at the same time, the younger child is to be adopted by someone who can care for it until the older child is abandoned. 

There you have it--a guide to the family life in my homebrew setting. Writing this, it was rewarding to see how certain ideas connected and diverged within and between cultures. I really like that there's some overlap; I can imagine a half-elf and a halfling bonding over stories about stressful parent relationships in a knowing way. I also want to note how the elves and orcs have a few big similarities, which is something I've been doing for a long time. My take on the elf-orc feud inherent in D&D mythology is that they're actually incredibly similar but don't recognize it because of their conflict. And I can certainly say that writing backstory for a character in my world just got a lot easier--now I know entirely what their upbringing was probably like, which opens doors for me to lean into the world or stand out as an exception. As always, writing about your setting yields great results. 

That's all for now. Coming soon: a guide to my homebrew Underdark, how I connect with my characters, and clothing by culture in my homebrew setting. Until next time, happy gaming!

Back to the homepage (where you can find everything!)