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“Good morning,” whispered Candace.
“Mrow!” said Rose.
“Good morning,” replied Asp. Her throat felt dry and scratchy. She rubbed her eyes. “It’s dark in here.”
“It’s a lousy inn,” said Candace, gesturing around at the dingy walls and ramshackle bed.
“You should have better,” said Asp, her eyes downcast.
“I do,” Candace chirped. “I have you and Rose.” She smiled and looked affectionately at Asp.
Asp looked distant. Inside, she was churning. A soft whine got louder inside her mind. Images flashed in her head. Candace. Nicole. Gunther. Wanda. The bearded man. Marina. Her own bloody hands. Alleyways. The whine hit a fever pitch.
Candace shook her by the shoulder. “Asp?”
“Yeah?’ managed Asp.
“I asked what you want for breakfast. You in there?” Candace looked concerned.
“I’m fine,” said Asp, forcing a smile. “How would some Ronan'el pancakes suit you?”
“You stay here with Rose,” said Candace, standing up with an acrobat’s grace. “I’ll be back with pancakes.” She slipped to the door and looked back at Asp. “Just rest.” She stepped out the door. Asp watched it close and heard Candace lock it from the other side.
“Your mama has gone,” murmured Asp to Rose. “My dear sweet Candy is taking care of your other mama because I’m a wreck. She doesn’t want to see it. She doesn’t want to admit that I’m a complete mess right now.” She stroked Rose gently. “She doesn’t want to come to terms with what I’ve done.”
Rose mewled and flopped onto her back on Asp’s stomach.
“Don’t grow up like us, baby,” said Asp. “Your mamas are tough, mean ladies.” She sniffled. She thought for a moment, then turned her head to the side. “I guess if you name yourself after a snake, eventually, you’re going to have to strike.” She set her jaw, then shook her head. “Rose, your mama wants me to think of Gunther as something that had to happen, that Wanda had to happen. But if it had to happen, why does it feel like this?”
Rose purred.
Asp scratched Rose’s belly. “But then, the lying felt awful at first, too. Maybe not exactly like this, but sort of like it.” She sniffled again. “Rose, you wouldn’t believe how hard it was for me–my first work on my own. Your belly is empty and angry at you, and you have to sell a lie that no one will believe–that you can actually pay for the food–and you have to make other peoples’ lives worse to get by.” She sighed. “It took a while to get used to, but I didn’t think I had a choice. I don’t think I had a choice.”
Rose flopped back onto her belly and pressed her head into Asp’s hand. She scratched Rose’s chin delicately.
“So I recognized that I had to get used to lying, ‘cause it was that or don’t eat,” Asp continued. “Lying has to be okay, otherwise you starve. But killing? Is it the same?” She scratched at her own chin. “I guess the real question is, did I have to kill Gunther?”
Rose mewled.
“Exactly,” said Asp as though Rose had perfectly summed it up. “It seems like it. Oslo owes me his life at the very least, that arrogant bastard. Probably the rest of the gang too. I probably saved your mama, Rose,” she said, her voice strengthening. “Melwi was terrifying. So, if I wanted to be here with you and your mom right now, I did have to do it.”
Rose mewled again, louder.
“Well, I want to think that. I really do,” said Asp. “It’s just, death is so permanent. I take peoples’ money. You can make more money. But your life?” She traced her finger across her throat. “You con someone, they live to get conned again. But there’s nobody who could kill Gunther a second time.”
Rose mewled a third time, louder still.
“I am. I’m gonna put on a nice face for your mama until I feel better,” said Asp, resolve in her voice. “She’ll be so pleased when I’m right as rain.” She stroked Rose’s neck. “Everything will be fine,” she said. Right?
Rose curled up on Asp’s stomach, and Asp slipped off into nightmares about knives and alleyways, and the part she hated most was realizing that in her dream, she and the bearded man who had killed Nicole were the same person.
-
“Pancake delivery!” called Candace, locking the door behind herself.
Asp sat up in bed. “A gift from the heavens,” she said, smiling.
“Well, rest seems to have done someone well,” said Candace.
“You were right,” said Asp, nodding deferentially. “I just needed to relax.”
“I was talking about Rose,” laughed Candace. “Her cat nap did wonders. Just look at that coat!”
Asp grinned. “You said pancakes?”
“I did,” confirmed Candace, opening a bag. “Here’s one for you,” she said, passing a tray with a large doughy mound to Asp. “And two for me,” she added, pulling out her own tray.
“Thanks, Candy,” said Asp, placing a hand on Candace’s shoulder. “Anything interesting happen while you were out?”
Candace looked up and away. “Nothing really.”
Asp stiffened. “What happened?”
Candace looked at her. “Seriously, nothing.” Her right eye twitched.
“I can spot you lying a mile away,” said Asp. “What is it?”
“I was gonna tell you before you left the room, okay?” said Candace, looking away. “Um, okay, this is not as bad as it sounds, but Oslo burned you.”
“I’m burned?” repeated Asp. “What names? What charge? Tell me everything, Candy.”
“The guards are asking around about a slightkin woman, sandy hair, name of Heather Turnkey, known as a con artist with multiple aliases.” Candace sighed. “They weren’t asking about Penelope or Delia or Gilbert, so you’re still okay, but you’re gonna have to be careful.”
“That rat bastard,” said Asp, turning away with her dark thoughts. “I save his life and he fucking burns me?”
“You know he doesn’t see it that way, honey. He wasn’t in control, and that’s what matters.”
“Why does it even matter to you to be able to go back to him?” Asp demanded. “After everything he’s done?”
“It’s not about him,” said Candace. “It’s about Annabel and Kyrn and Dancer and Jehosaphat. Hell, even Gregorio’s family to me. You think about how close you are to them now, and then imagine more than twice as much time with them. I can’t walk away from them just because Oslo is an asshole.”
Asp frowned and shrugged. “I get it. I just don’t like it.”
Candace offered an unsympathetic smile. “You may be my partner,” she said neutrally, “but you don’t have to like my choices.”
It was like Asp had been struck. Good. Because I don’t. “Fair enough,” she said after a moment. “Let’s dig in before they get cold.”
“Wait.” Candace looked self-conscious. “That’s not how I meant that. I care what you think. I just don’t intend to live by anyone’s wishes but my own.”
“Like I said, fair enough,” said Asp. “Hey, after breakfast, I’m gonna take a walk.”
“Be careful out there,” said Candace through a bite of pancake. “They’re looking for you.”
“They’re looking for me, a slightkin woman,” said Asp mischievously. “Not Gilbert, a newtkin man.”
“Oh, I hate Gilbert,” said Candace, laughing. “His beard is tickly.”
The beard. I’m the bearded man.
“You okay, honey?” said Candace, concern in her voice. “You just got a weird look.”
“I’m fine,” lied Asp, trying to focus. “Totally fine.”
-
A belly full of pancakes, Asp walked through the city streets, looking at peoples’ faces as they passed. Some seemed to be passive, and others showed emotions in boldface: excitement, sorrow, happiness. But the longer she looked at each face, the more unforgiving it seemed, the more the face seemed to suggest that the person knew about Gunther. They simply had to know.
“Excuse me, sir, would you like to see a demonstration of a new method of shaving?” said a salesman behind a stall counter. He lifted a razor which glinted in the sunlight. “Quite the rage back in Eunax these days.”
“No thank you,” said Asp without looking at him. Her eyes were glued to the blade.
“Very affordable, if that’s your concern,” added the salesman. “I can cut you a deal.”
“No, really,” said Asp forcefully, shuddering at the wordplay. “Thank you, though.”
She continued to trudge through the streets. The faces looked hungry now. She walked a little faster.
The city became a blur. She tried to focus. Where am I? she thought. She forced herself to look around. A busy intersection. A fancy inn with a small garden out front. It’s this way. She took a sharp turn and hurried on.
She walked through the hiskin slums. She passed houses. One, two, three, four, five. She stopped before the one with the uneven stairs. This is where I went the last time I was wanted. This is where I hid my money. This is where my past was. Where is my future?
She climbed the stairs and entered the room with the still-strewn floorboards. She sat down cross-legged and breathed deep. I want to start over with Candace. She looked around the room, then up through its fractured ceiling. Is that in the stars? Or is this feeling I have true?
“Easy payday,” said a female Ronan'el voice. “That skull was practically cracked before I got there.”
Asp got up and snuck to the street-facing window in the room, peeking out. Walking in front of the house was Pyrin, the black Ronan'el, and the silver Ronan'el who had clubbed her those years ago. They strolled down the street.
“Did you hear him whimper?” asked Pyrin with a laugh. “Like he thought it would save him.”
“Nothing can save anyone from us!” cried the silver Ronan'el, drunk.
“I gotta say, Rana, working with you gets better every day,” said Pyrin, no less drunk himself. They were passing the house’s uneven stairs. “You know how to rough somebody up right.”
“Thanks,” said Rana, chuckling. “C’mon, Pyrin, let’s go rough up some more drinks.”
“Cheers to that,” replied Pyrin.
Asp watched them pass. The scar on the back of her head itched, burned even. Something came over her. She knelt and crept out of the house and down the steps behind them. She followed from a distance, keeping them well ahead of her. They approached a beggar and began to shove him around.
“What you got, beggar?” asked Pyrin. “Anything worth taking?”
“Please, sir,” moaned the beggar. “I don’t want any trouble.”
Asp moved closer. Pyrin and Rana continued to torment the man.
“I think he’s in our way,” said Rana, a dangerous playfulness in her voice.
“Get out of our way, beggar,” barked Pyrin.
“Please, someone help,” called the beggar.
Asp took a few more steps up. She could touch Rana’s back. She looked at the spot on Rana’s inner thigh and reached for her dagger.
Nicole. Wanda. Gunther.
Dazed, she staggered backwards and ran. Unaware of whether she had been seen by Pyrin and Rana or not, she charged through the streets and back to the inn. When Candace opened the door for her, she could not understand what Asp was saying through the tears.
-
“You gonna let me know when you want to talk about it?” asked Candace.
Asp shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Candace sounded slightly irritated. “Honey, you left for half an hour, and you came back sobbing, and you won’t talk to me. It’s been over an hour.” Her eyes widened. “That’s not something to talk about?”
Asp swallowed hard. “I don’t want you to think of me like I am,” she said with difficulty. “I want it to be like it was.”
Candace sighed. “Has it occurred to you that you’re choosing for it to be this hard?” She looked away. “You saved my life, honey. You really did. And you’re acting like I’m going to forget that because of something stupid like Oslo?”
“Not Oslo,” said Asp, pain in her voice. “Me. All by myself.”
“Asp, what are you talking about?” Candace asked, impatience finally breaking through her voice.
“The Ronan'el!” cried Asp. “I saw the silver Ronan'el.”
Candace scowled. “The one who almost bashed your head in?”
“Yeah,” said Asp, breathless. “I saw her.”
“And?” pressed Candace. “Then what?”
“I followed her,” said Asp, her voice distant. “I followed her until she stopped.”
Candace stared at her. “Honey, please cut to the chase. What happened?”
Asp opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She began to cry.
Candace bit her lip. “Asp, did something happen? Are we safe?”
“I almost killed her,” cried Asp, wracked with pained sobs.
Candace cocked an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you?”
Asp wailed. She cried harder than she had ever cried in her life. Her body felt as though it was gripped by some curse and was no longer under her control.
Candace sighed. “Honey, do you mean to tell me that you have been absolutely emotionally devastated because you didn’t kill someone?”
Asp nodded, wiping her nose.
“Okay,” said Candace, her voice tight. “Clearly, you need more rest. Why don’t you just lie down here, and I’ll watch over you.”
Asp curled up on the bed and tried to control her sobs.
“What are we gonna do with you, Asp?” said Candace, almost exasperated, but still gentle.
“I wish you would call me ‘honey,’” said Asp, sniffling.
Candace smiled with a distant look in her eye. “Okay, honey. Go to sleep.”
Asp tried to relax. Her eyelids seemed to be tattooed with the faces of Nicole, the bearded man, Gunther. She became lost in her own world, falling and falling forever into the unknowable void that was death.
-
Asp came to. She sat up and peered around. Candace was writing at the small desk in the corner. Asp watched her write for a moment. She liked the way Candace’s head bobbed as she wrote. Have I never seen her write before? She blinked a few times in the low light. What is she writing?
“What are you writing?” Asp asked a moment later.
Candace started and turned to Asp. “Oh, uh, nothing. Just a note,” she said, pushing the paper away.
“A note to who?” asked Asp. “What’s the occasion?”
Candace looked uncomfortable. “It’s, uh–it’s for you.” Her voice was resigned. She sighed deeply.
“Oh,” said Asp. She considered. “Oh,” she repeated, with more feeling. “There’s not much you couldn’t just say to me, is there?” Her voice was emotionless.
“I’m sorry,” said Candace, her eyes closed.
“Can I ask why?” said Asp, her voice strained. “Don’t I at least get the why?”
Candace looked down and folded the note before slipping it into her pocket. “Either I leave now and I join the gang again,” she said, rubbing her neck, “or I wait until you leave me and I can’t go back.”
“Me leave you?” said Asp, incredulous. “Why would I do that? Why would I ever do that?”
Candace met her eye. “You had a mental breakdown because you thought about killing someone who hurt you, someone who deserved it, someone we were planning to hurt back. I’m not stupid, Asp. I saw the way you looked at me when you knew I had killed people. I saw the way you couldn’t look at me when I killed Wanda, which was for you, I remind you. I killed her so we could stay together. I didn’t know that killing her would also break us apart.”
“Candace,” said Asp, pained, “don’t do this. I love you, and I will always love you, and I don’t think of you as a–as a–”
“As a murderer,” finished Candace. “You can’t even say it.” She sighed again. “Asp, if I stay with you, it’s only until you can’t hide how you feel anymore. I can’t fix this for you, honey.” Her eyes brimmed with tears, but her voice was steady. “I’m sorry, but this is how things have to be now.”
“Fine,” spat Asp. “Fine then. I can’t believe you would just throw our life together away in a note, but I can see you’ve made up your mind.”
“Don’t get nasty, Asp,” said Candace. “We can part on good terms. If things ever change–”
“Things always change,” interrupted Asp. “But never for the better.”
Candace sighed one more time. “It hurts me to hear that. Because that’s not the Asp I know. I hope she comes back, because I would like to see her again.”
“I love you, Candy,” said Asp.
“I love you too, Asp,” said Candace. She frowned. “I’m taking Rose.”
“Good,” said Asp, a forced smile on her face. “She’ll like the warehouse.”
“Goodbye, Asp,” said Candace, stepping to the door.
“Goodbye, Candy,” said Asp, her eyes stuck to Candace’s face, which turned away from her.
Candace scooped up Rose, set the key on the dresser by the door, and stepped outside. She waved gently to Asp. And when she had closed the door behind her, Asp let out a sob so loud that Candace could hear it through the wood.
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